Glutton - Part 18

I am responsible for the state of my body right now.

 

My choices have led me to this place.

 

Its not the fault of my genes, my mother or the evil food industry (although none of those guys were terribly helpful either).

 

I am responsible for the state of my body next year.

 

Not my husband, my friends or that heifer little Debbie and her delicious snack cakes.

 

I am a glutton. My sinful relationship with food has damaged me physically,emotionally and spiritually.

 

I acknowledge that.

 

But I reject that description as my definition. I am defined by who God says that I am. 

I am forgiven.

I am beloved.

 

Every day God gives me is a chance to right all these wrongs. I use the title glutton because I want to rob that word of its power.  I am a child of the Most High God. I may be a glutton today but I don't have to be a glutton forever.

 

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."

John 8:36

Funday

Book Review - Winter of the World

I am so scared that Ken Follett is going to die before he finishes this series.  He's not sick or anything but the amount of research it must take to write these books seems like it would be enough to kill even a healthy man. 

This book continues the story Follett began in Fall of Giants.  So remember how I annoyed my husband while reading that book?  Yeah.  I continued that tradition.  There is just so much interesting history in this book.  Why can't schools teach like this?  This book continues telling the story of the 20th century through the families Follett strategically places in several different countries.  This book specifically deals with World War 2.  It's illuminating.  It's heartbreaking.  It's infuriating.  And, from what Kevin tells me, it's all true.

This book would be a great eBook if you have that option.  It is almost 1000 pages.  And a book that heavy is just not comfortable to read.  And, yes, I am that lazy.  Thanks for asking.

November 2012

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Bible Tuesday - David Part 31

“After this, God gave them judges until the time of Samuel the prophet. Then the people asked for a king, and he gave them Saul son of Kish, of the tribe of Benjamin, who ruled forty years.  After removing Saul, he made David their king. God testified concerning him: ‘I have found David son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.’
Acts 13:20-22

Eight months ago, I started this journey to see what this verse meant.  I'm still not sure I know.  But one thing is for certain.  David and I are gonna have a long chat in Heaven. 

After all this time, what do I know about David?

One thing I see with David over and over again is that his love for God never wavered. Did he make stupid mistakes? Yep. A whole heapin' bunch of them. But not once does He deny his love for God.   

David never gave up. And he had quite a few incentives to do so. I mean, people were trying to kill him (including his own son) for a big part of his life. That kind of thing can weigh heavy on ya. But David kept going. And maybe there is a lesson for us there. 

When I started reading the Bible, I was 28 years old.  I imagined that the Bible was full of heroes.  I expected a  bunch of stories that would make me feel bad about my pitiful self.  But as I began to study the word for the first time, I realized that the only hero in the Bible is Jesus.  The rest of the characters are just flawed people.  You see the big idea of the Bible is not that people can change, it is that God can change people.  It was comforting to find that those 'great men' of the Bible were, more often than not, just a bunch of punks like you and me.

I think, at the end of it all, David is God’s way of telling us that He understands.  David isn’t a horrible sinner that finds God and that’s the end of the story. He’s a sinner that keeps sinning.  He loves God.  He acknowledges God’s right to declare what is and is not sin.  He doesn’t blame God for the consequences of his sin.  But he also keeps on making stupid decisions right up until his last breath.  (He also raised kids with some real behavioral issues which is especially comforting to me.)

David is God’s way of reminding us that we need Him at our best and at our worst. He is a man who loves God.  That’s what sets David apart.  Not his deeds, whether good or bad.  His heart was fixed upon  God.  And maybe David is God's way of assuring us that He can love us for our intentions even when our actions fall miserably short.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

Psalm 23:6

Glutton - Part 17

Food is not drugs.

Food is not alcohol.

And as much as I want to link all these addictions together, in the end, I can't.  Because while the mechanics of all addiction are the same, recovery from food addiction has to be different. 

Hello, my name is Rachel and I am addicted to food. 

But abstinence from food is just not an option.  (It's not an option, right?)

I have to learn to live between the lines. 

But learning to live in moderation is scary.  You see I can do all.  I can do nothing.  But modulating those extremes?  That’s unchartered territory for me.  The mountain or the valley?  When the truth is that most of life is lived on the plain. 

But I had this theory.  What if I planned for failure and called it victory? 

Here's what that looks like.

I faced Halloween knowing I would eat tootsie rolls.  And guess what?   I ate tootsie rolls.  But I didn’t eat them in shame.  And I didn’t eat them while simultaneously planning how much exercise would be needed to work them off.  I just ate the dang candy. I ate it in front of my friends and my children.  Like a normal person eats candy on Halloween.  It was so weird.   And for the first time in my life I woke up on November 1^st and I felt great.   

I tried it again on Thanksgiving.  I have a deep and everlasting love for cornbread dressing.  (Only my mom's recipe.  Not whatever crap they slop together on the Food Network that involves chestnuts, sausage or , God help me, oysters.)   There is zero chance of me making it through Thanksgiving without eating it.  This year, I ate that dressing without a shred of guilt.  And you know what?  I was really thankful.

So now I embark on the Christmas holiday.  In addition to my mental preparedness, I am actually making better practical decisions too.  I am preparing stocking stuff that involves less candy.  This is always a big problem for me.  Tons of candy my kids won't eat that I, in the interest of not being wasteful, must eat for them.  My kids will be thrilled to have less sugar (not none...less) and more iTunes gift cards.  This is going to be a win/win situation.

And because I must 'keep it real', I will admit to those of you that never see me that all these great breakthroughs for the last few months have resulted in about 2 pounds of total fat loss.  At this rate, I will reach my goal about the time I can draw Social Security  benefits.  But I can feel the weight of gluttony getting lighter every day.

Funday

The Reluctant Teacher

I have been in Children's ministry since I became a Christian.  But I have never been all that happy about it.  I often compared it to the mafia.  Once you get in, you never get out.  It's not a bad comparison really. 

Nonetheless, I just always thought I was called to bigger things.  Surely God had called me to Adult ministry?  Wasn't I supposed to bring my delightful self to women's conferences and be an awesome little ambassador for Jesus.  (I didn't dwell too much on the fact that I have a debilitating fear of public speaking.  I figured God could work that out, right?)

But no matter how hard I tried to extricate myself from the nursery, I could never break free.  I even changed churches two times.  (Not to get out of nursery work but I hoped that would be a unintended consequence.)  I never got more than one month into a new church without being roped back into diaper duty.

And understand me here.  I love toddlers...big time.  I just never thought 18 month old ministry was all that important.  I wanted to change the world for Christ, set the captives free, etc.  Handing out goldfish crackers and wiping noses was not the glamorous adventure I thought God had intended for me.  But I just kept finding myself doing just that. 

What kept me going for a long time was the idea that I was helping, in some small way, people meet Jesus.  When I started going to church, I had two toddlers.  Had they not been well cared for and entertained by some hardworking children's ministry workers, I may not have continued to attend church.  And had that happened, I would not have given my life to Christ.  So I reasoned that that role was important and that idea kept me going back week after week.

But I was wrong about that. 

Somewhere along the way, I learned that children's ministry is a much bigger deal than just glorified babysitting.  I realized what an awesome responsibility and honor it was to be the first person to introduce a child to Jesus.  Why did it take so long for me to figure that out?

There's no deep theology in the preschool department.  We don't talk about Greek and Hebrew.  We don't debate predestination or eschatology.  (And don't misunderstand me, I LOVE all that stuff.)  We sing songs about thanking God for goldfish.  We sing "Jesus Loves Me".  And, at the end of it all, if the only gospel you ever know is the words to that song, you are probably in good shape.

^"Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin..."
Zechariah 4:10

The Christmas Spirit

Every dang year I post this video.  You never watch it, do you?  I know.  You think you have heard every version of this song.  You like "insert artist's name here" version better.  You think there is nothing here that can compete with the 67 versions you have heard on the radio just this week.

Well all I can tell you is that you're wrong.  This song is so good, I feel that they should have stopped recording songs after this because, seriously?  What's the point? 

Just listen to it.  THE WHOLE THING!  I wouldn't steer you wrong people.  This song will make an atheist start shopping at Lifeway.  Trust me on this one.

Bible Tuesday - David Part 30

I'm just not ready to be done with David :(  

Unfortunately, I don't get a choice.

Now these are the last words of David:

The oracle of David, the son of Jesse,
the oracle of the man who was raised on high,
the anointed of the God of Jacob,
the sweet psalmist of Israel:

“The Spirit of the Lord speaks by me;
his word is on my tongue.
The God of Israel has spoken;
the Rock of Israel has said to me:
When one rules justly over men,
ruling in the fear of God,
he dawns on them like the morning light,
like the sun shining forth on a cloudless morning,
like rain that makes grass to sprout from the earth.

“For does not my house stand so with God?
For he has made with me an everlasting covenant,
ordered in all things and secure.
For will he not cause to prosper
all my help and my desire?
But worthless men are all like thorns that are thrown away,
for they cannot be taken with the hand;
but the man who touches them
arms himself with iron and the shaft of a spear,
and they are utterly consumed with fire.”
2 Samuel 23:1-7

In case we get too enamored of our boy Dave, let's not forget a few things that happened before his death.

Now King David was old and advanced in years. And although they covered him with clothes, he could not get warm. Therefore his servants said to him, “Let a young woman be sought for my lord the king, and let her wait on the king and be in his service. Let her lie in your arms, that my lord the king may be warm.” So they sought for a beautiful young woman throughout all the territory of Israel, and found Abishag the Shunammite, and brought her to the king. The young woman was very beautiful, and she was of service to the king and attended to him, but the king knew her not.
1 Kings 1:1-4

Some things never change...and David's love for the ladies is one of them.  I am not disputing the Bible here but seriously?  I am pretty sure a big fat ugly person could have provided David with all the warmth he required.  Or better yet Dave!  How about a big fire and a nice fur rug? 

And then there's this.

When David's time to die drew near, he commanded Solomon his son, saying, “I am about to go the way of all the earth. Be strong, and show yourself a man,  and keep the charge of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and keeping his statutes, his commandments, his rules, and his testimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn,  that the Lord may establish his word that he spoke concerning me, saying, ‘If your sons pay close attention to their way, to walk before me in faithfulness with all their heart and with all their soul, you shall not lack a man on the throne of Israel.’
1 Kings 2:1-4

So far, so good.

And there is something else. You know what Joab son of Zeruiah did to me when he murdered my two army commanders, Abner son of Ner and Amasa son of Jether. He pretended that it was an act of war, but it was done in a time of peace, staining his belt and sandals with innocent blood.Do with him what you think best, but don’t let him grow old and go to his grave in peace.

And remember Shimei son of Gera, the man from Bahurim in Benjamin. He cursed me with a terrible curse as I was fleeing to Mahanaim. When he came down to meet me at the Jordan River, I swore by the Lord that I would not kill him.  But that oath does not make him innocent. You are a wise man, and you will know how to arrange a bloody death for him.”
1 Kings 2:5-6, 8-9

This sweet little father-son chat just went sour in a hurry, didn't it?  How about "Be a good boy Solomon"  or "Take care of your mama"? 

Some people confess on their death bed.  But David spends his last precious minutes plotting revenge.  After all these weeks studying David, I still kinda want to pinch his head off.  Don't you?

So David son of Jesse reigned over all Israel.  He reigned over Israel for forty years, seven of them in Hebron and thirty-three in Jerusalem.  He died at a ripe old age, having enjoyed long life, wealth, and honor.
1 Chronicles 29:26-28

Glutton - Part 16

Here is the scripture that I have been pondering on for a while.

So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.
James 2:17

So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
James 4:17

Ya'll, James is all up in my business these days.  And just because he is right doesn't mean I have to be happy about it.

It's hard for me to accept that I am not going to wake up tomorrow morning completely healed in regards to my obesity and food addiction.  Especially because I know God has the power to do it.  He could at this moment eliminate my desire for anything I should not eat.  But He isn't going to do that.  And I believe He is not going to do that because His plan is for me to glorify Him through this struggle.  And, no, I have no idea exactly how I am supposed to do that.  But if I didn't truly believe that God had a plan to redeem all this nonsense, I would just shut down this blog and go eat a bowl of doughnuts.

And I feel such an urgency to make a change.  Not because of some arbitrary deadline.  There's is no reunion, no contest, no health crisis.  But can such a crisis be far off?  I am ridiculously healthy for a fat person.  But that's kind of akin to saying that I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day but I don't have lung cancer...yet.  The fact that God has blessed with me with better health than I deserve so far doesn't mean that the natural consequence of all this abuse I have heaped upon my body is nullified. 

But this whole deal has to start somewhere.  So here it is.

I am going to start drinking water.

Stop laughing.  I know it's the lamest diet tweak ever.  But after reading diet books and articles for the better part of two decades, a few items show up consistently. And drinking water is one of the big ones.  Do I think I am going to drop 7 pounds in 7 days just through the miracle of water?  Nope.

I'm not going to drink only water.  I'm not going to drink gallons of water.  I am not going to supplement my water with weight loss enhancing herbs.  I'm just gonna drink some water every day whether I like it or not.

And I think the 'like it or not' may be step on a path to freedom.

Hang with me here.

I am not a morning person.  My optimal life would be awake at 10AM and back to bed for the night at 2AM.  I do not like getting up at 5AM every morning.  In fact I HATE it.  But guess what, I have been doing it consistently for the last ten years.  My life with school age children requires that I get up early...so I do. 

So what if a healthy life at a healthy weight required me to choke down a reasonable amount of water every day?

I'm realizing that I don't have to like everything I do.  I just have to do it

Funday

Evangelical

Between the presidential election and the book I am currently reading, I feel like the term 'evangelical" is something I should hide from.  But, the thing is, I am not ashamed of what 'evangelical' really means.  I am ashamed of what that term has come to depict.

Here's Jim Wallis' definition.  (If you don't read him...you should.)

The biggest mistake the religious right made was to make the word "evangelical" a political term. Evangelical is a theological commitment, not a political one. It's about the centrality of Christ and the authority of the Bible. It's following Jesus and our obedience to the Scriptures that leads us to defend the poor, protect the most vulnerable, welcome the stranger, seek racial reconciliation and justice, be good stewards of the environment and peacemakers in a world of war.

Seriously.  YES!!! 

While most evangelicals are still "pro-life," abortion is not their only concern. Not all are convinced that Republicans have the best answers to all the life issues. While most evangelicals are strongly committed to strengthening family life, not all think equal rights for gay and lesbian people are a threat to the family. Poverty reduction, immigration reform, a consistent life ethic, the care of environmental protection, a less militaristic foreign policy and a deep commitment to racial and economic justice are all issues of concern.
 

Ok, I think I am good now.  I feel a whole lot better...really :)

 

Glutton - Part 15

I am almost pre-defeated (is that a word?) by this knowledge. 

I am slapped in the face with the realization that, this time, I am gonna have to go it alone.  No Nutri-system.  No Jenny Craig.  No gastric bypass.  No patches.  No shots.  No pills. No shortcuts.  (Dangitt!!!!)  The idea that there is nothing I can purchase on Amazon that will help me is depressing.  I know that I have to do this. I know that the only answer is to acknowledge that I am a glutton.  And gluttony is sin.  Period.  We can dance around this but you know it’s true and so do I.   My sin is not that I sneak spoonfuls of ice cream, it is that I am never satisfied.  None of the copious blessings that God has showered upon me are enough to fill me up.

As I look around my home, I see evidence of it everywhere.  What kind of people have continuous donations to Goodwill?  Why does so much stuff come into this house?  I commit to organizing as much as I do to diet.  I feel sure there is a connection.  I must give myself something.  If it’s not food, it has to be some new thing from the craft store or some unique thingie from eBay.  I find it a bit ironic that someone with such low self-esteem feels the need to reward herself all the dang time.  When the biggest problems in your life are too much food and too much stuff, it’s time to admit to God that you are living in a cesspool of sin.

 

"Hey God.  I am living in a cesspool of sin."

 

I feel a whole lot better now that that is out of the way.

And I come to God empty because I am continually too full.  Too full of food? Yes.  But so much more than that.  Too full of my goals, my worries, my wants, my slights.  Too full of extremes, perfectionism and regret.  Too full of Rachel for God to have any room to move. 

Funday

Forgive

It finally happened.

8 years and 11 months later, my ex husband apologized to me.

Honestly, I never thought I would hear those words.  A few years ago, someone asked him if he was ever gonna tell me he was sorry and his response was something like "I haven't done anything to be sorry about." 

And I wasn't exactly waiting on an apology.  When friends and family would lament his lack of contrition, I always thought to myself. "What good could words possibly do?"  How could a collection of letters knit themself together and heal the wounds he had caused?  I found the whole idea simply ludicrous.  All that pain.  All that rejection.  So much worry.  So much sorrow.  Words could not even begin to heal me.

But as he said those words, I realized something.  "I'm sorry" can't eradicate pain.  It can't change history.  It cannot right wrongs.  But those words can validate a painful experience.  God had healed me a long time ago.  He used Kevin to show me that love was real and still more powerful than any other force in the universe.  And for that I am thankful.

But hearing an apology was like taking a band-aid off a horrible wound and finding only an impressive scar.

Book Review - The Casual Vacancy

I hated this book so hard.

I did not approach this book thinking it would be anything like Rowling's Harry Potter series.  I say that because all the glowing reviews of this piece of drivel on Amazon assume this is the reason that people don't like it.  Some reviewers have even compared this to The Grapes of Wrath or Great Expectations.  To this, my only response can be : "What are you smoking?"

The Casual Vacancy is about small town politics.  And it's also about just horrible people.  Is this real life?  I really hope not.  Because this is the saddest bunch of humans I have ever encountered.

The story, in itself, is fairly interesting.  A small town trying desperately to stay insulated from a bigger city to somehow retain their facade of virtue and goodness.  And to give JK Rowling credit...she writes some fine sentences. 

But, in the end, I think she was just trying too hard to prove that she could write an adult novel.  Using the most graphic language over and over again doesn't make something 'grown up'.  And it just seems like someone who is talented enough to create Harry Potter oughta know that.

Seriously...even more Fall Break

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Bible Tuesday - David Part 29

Let's see if we can catch up here.  After the census debacle, David begins to amass materials and workers to build God's temple. 

Then he called for Solomon his son and charged him to build a house for the Lord, the God of Israel.  David said to Solomon, “My son, I had it in my heart to build a house to the name of the Lord my God.  But the word of the Lord came to me, saying, ‘You have shed much blood and have waged great wars. You shall not build a house to my name, because you have shed so much blood before me on the earth. Behold, a son shall be born to you who shall be a man of rest. I will give him rest from all his surrounding enemies. For his name shall be Solomon, and I will give peace and quiet to Israel in his days.  He shall build a house for my name. He shall be my son, and I will be his father, and I will establish his royal throne in Israel forever.’
1 Chronicles 22:6-10

David appoints Solomon to be the next King of Israel.  When you think about Solomon, try to remember that he is the second son of David and Bathsheba.  I think Solomon is God's way of reminding us that He can fulfill His purpose despite all our nonsense.  God could have raised up the next King from any one of David's other wives.  But He didn't.

Yet the Lord God of Israel chose me from all my father's house to be king over Israel forever. For he chose Judah as leader, and in the house of Judah my father's house, and among my father's sons he took pleasure in me to make me king over all Israel. And of all my sons (for the Lord has given me many sons) he has chosen Solomon my son to sit on the throne of the kingdom of the Lord over Israel. He said to me, ‘It is Solomon your son who shall build my house and my courts, for I have chosen him to be my son, and I will be his father. I will establish his kingdom forever if he continues strong in keeping my commandments and my rules, as he is today.’
1 Chronicles 28:4-7

And then David gives his son a spectacular piece of advice.

And you, Solomon my son, get to know well your father’s God; serve him with a whole heart and eager mind, for God examines every heart and sees through every motive. If you seek him, he’ll make sure you find him, but if you abandon him, he’ll leave you for good. Look sharp now! God has chosen you to build his holy house. Be brave, determined! And do it!”
1 Chronicles 28:9-10

- Get to know your Father's God
- Serve Him
- Seek Him
- Be Brave
- DO IT!!!

Almost all of David's bad parenting can be overlooked by the awesome contained in this last piece of advice. 

Glutton - Part 14

I find myself exhausted.

Weary.

I am so very tired of :

Proclamations
Zumba
B-12
Chicken breasts
Resolutions
Gym memberships
Dr Oz
Slim Fast
Green tea
Calorie counting
Yoga Mats
Women's magazines
Infomercials
Carb counting
Tony Horton
Mondays
Anything titled "Turbo"
Fat gram counting
Spanx
The Biggest Loser
Medifast
'skinny' jeans
Guilt
New Year's Eve
The scale
Jenny Craig
Pilates
Excuses
Arbitrary deadlines
Oprah
Lean Cuisine
New Year's Day
Shunning the scale
Giant T-shirts
Paleo
Nutri-System
Atkins
Three way mirrors
Treadmills
Friggin water
Rice cakes
Skim Milk
Special K
Fat free sour cream (not so much tired of this as I am convinced it should not exist)
Hiding
Failure

And I know that whining is not the solution.  This is the solution:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 11:28-29

The truth is that I have been wandering in this desert for FAR too long.  And it is killing me. I feel that it is finally time to stop focusing on hunger and concentrate on my thirst.  I am spiritually, mentally and emotionally dehydrated.  I am so blessed to have family and friends who 'splash' me every day with love, acceptance, wisdom and support.  But at the end of it all, this is not their problem.  I am the one in the desert.  And I know the only way to survive is to get to the well.

Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”
“Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?  Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”
Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again,  but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
John 4:10-14

Funday

More Fall Break 2012

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Glutton - Part 13

I was on a conference call hosted by Jen at Simple Girl Blog.  She's a health coach and I think she's pretty good at it.  Of all the diet stuff that I have tried, her health coaching is something that I have resisted.  Wanna know why? 

 1.  I would like her business to be a success and I don't trust myself enough yet.  I mean imagine if I am still obese this time next year (I won't be!).  I would hate to be the big fat billboard that says "Don't hire Jen!".

 2.  I am pretty sure she will make me start eating green stuff.  People, I am just not there yet, ok?

But I did participate in one call.  And it was great.  At one point, we were discussing the scale.  Why we hate it, why it sucks, etc. and Jen said "What if you just took a year off?"  She wasn't specifically talking to me.  It was a general question.  But I felt the blood roaring through my ears.  My mouth went dry.  I could barely speak. (You see how serious this was right?)  Take a year off?  One part of me was exhilarated.  Twelve glorious months without worrying about weight, diets, gallons of plain water, supplements, exercise, scales, fat clothes.  For just a second, I was Charlie Bucket and I had the golden ticket.  But then reality knocked on my door.  I thought, "Good grief! If I am this fat after dieting for four straight years, how big would I be after a year off!"  Then I envisioned the fire department having to cut off half my house to extricate me or some other TLC style fat person reality scenario. 

So as you can see, I immediately took a simple suggestion to both possible extremes. And extremes are at the heart of my problem.  And so the question I am pondering now is this:  Can a glutton learn moderation?  

Funday

Quoted

Good people know about both good and evil: bad people do not know about either.

 

 

C.S. Lewis


I am gonna need an 'Amen' from somebody on this one.

Book Review - The Harbinger

It's book club time again ya'll!!!

Since the Oliver North fiasco, I have had really good luck.  Great books, great discussions, great gals.   But I knew it couldn't last.  And so, we were introduced to The Harbinger.

Just look in the top left corner.  You see that blurb?  It says "Extraordinary" - Pat Robertson.  See...that should have tipped me off.  But I bought it on the Kindle where, apparently, they hide the blurbs by crazy TV preachers in an effort to con you into thinking you are reading something good.

There are lots of reasons that the world hates us.  (And by 'us' I mean Christians)  Not the least of which is the fact that Jesus told us the world would hate us.  So I ain't all that concerned by it...but still.  Christian fiction is one of the worst evangelists.  And this book is a real good example of why.

Much like "Ollie's" book, this book is written as fiction to somehow cloak the fact that IT'S TRUE!!!
And that just gets on my nerves.  If your story is true, then have the dang courage to write it as non-fiction.  Because once you wrap your words in the genre of fiction, then it leads me to wonder just how much of this story is made up.  And in the context of this book, the fiction part is what kills it.  The author has copious footnotes.  He can back up his legitimate claims.  But he buries his facts in the clunkiest dialogue in the history of writing.  It is just supremely awful. 

So, quick recap.  America is being warned by God to repent.  So far, so good.  I would absolutely agree that God is not super thrilled with our behavior.  The harbingers are specific events that have occurred that the author ties back to biblical prophecy.  Some are very specific.  Others are a bit vaguer. 

Spoiler Alert! One of the harbingers in John Edwards.  No.  Seriously.

And here's the best part.  My whole book club hated it!  I was so happy.  And look, I am pretty good at being able to love and respect people with whom I disagree.  But this book is doody and I just don't think that is a fact left open for interpretation.

Cheekwood 2012

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Bible Tuesday - David Part 28

So David wants a census. 

At first glance, this doesn’t seem like a big deal.  Israel has had a census before.  But this census was not God’s idea.  And David’s commander, Joab, seems to sense that this is a colossally bad idea. (Did I mention that I need to write a post about Joab?) And he asks David not to do it. Here is another big clue into David's character.  David has not surrounded himself with ‘yes men’.  Joab feels completely comfortable questioning David’s decision.  Nevertheless, David decides to go forward anyway.

But God was displeased with this thing. 
1 Chron 21:7

And God gives David a choice of punishments

And David said to God, “I have sinned greatly in that I have done this thing. But now, please take away the iniquity of your servant, for I have acted very foolishly.”  And the Lord spoke to Gad, David's seer, saying,  “Go and say to David, ‘Thus says the Lord, Three things I offer you; choose one of them, that I may do it to you.’”  So Gad came to David and said to him, “Thus says the Lord, ‘Choose what you will:  either three years of famine, or three months of devastation by your foes while the sword of your enemies overtakes you, or else three days of the sword of the Lord, pestilence on the land, with the angel of the Lord destroying throughout all the territory of Israel.’ Now decide what answer I shall return to him who sent me.”  Then David said to Gad, “I am in great distress. Let me fall into the hand of the Lord, for his mercy is very great, but do not let me fall into the hand of man.”
1 Chronicles 21:8-13

So the Lord sent a pestilence on Israel, and 70,000 men of Israel fell. And God sent the angel to Jerusalem to destroy it, but as he was about to destroy it, the Lord saw, and he relented from the calamity. And he said to the angel who was working destruction, “It is enough; now stay your hand.” And the angel of the Lord was standing by the threshing floor of Ornan the Jebusite. And David lifted his eyes and saw the angel of the Lord standing between earth and heaven, and in his hand a drawn sword stretched out over Jerusalem. Then David and the elders, clothed in sackcloth, fell upon their faces.  And David said to God, “Was it not I who gave command to number the people? It is I who have sinned and done great evil. But these sheep, what have they done? Please let your hand, O Lord my God, be against me and against my father's house. But do not let the plague be on your people.”
1 Chronicles 21:14-17

A couple of things stand out to me here.

1^st – David is taking responsibility. He is trying to save his people from the consequences of his actions.

2^nd- The angel of the Lord.  Here’s another "The" angel moment.  Might be Jesus.  Might not be.  Fascinates me nonetheless.

3^rd – The angel is standing by the threshing floor of Ornan the Jebusite.  Spoiler Alert:  This is going to be the site of the temple.  So think about all the things you have ever heard about the temple mount.  Past, present and future.  The most coveted piece of real estate in the world. And here is your first introduction to it. 

4^th – Here is the big one.  God allowed 70,000 men of Israel to be killed as punishment for David’s census.  I can hear you already.  “THAT’S NOT FAIR!!!”  And here is the truth.  God is always right and God is always good.  He is not measured by your opinion.  We see a moment in time while God sees the panorama of ALL time from the beginning until the end.  Yes, our human sensibility recoils from the idea that 70,000 innocent men died for David’s mistake.  But the Bible says “there is a way that seems right to man and in the end it leads to destruction.” (Proverbs 14:12)  The point I am trying to make (albeit badly) here is that time and again, naysayers will point out these type of biblical incidents where God seemingly does something that they just think is wrong.  It usually goes something like: "How could a loving God allow…fill in the blank with whatever.”  And the hard answer is that God is love and you don’t get to define what love means.  We are fallen people who live in a fallen world.  You can go back less than 100 years in history and find a completely different set of moral dictates.  Go back 100 more years and they will change again.  But God does not change. You’ll notice that David does not shake his finger in the face of God here.  He begs for mercy.  And the funny thing is, he begs for mercy after God has already granted it.  “and He relented from the calamity."

When I said earlier that God doesn’t change, I should have added this caveat.  Sometimes God relents.  It happens quite abit throughout the Old Testament.  The Israelites do something horrible.  God rightly judges them and decrees annihilation, destruction, etc. But then His love for His people stops him.  And the ultimate manifestation of this love forestalling destruction is Jesus.  God rightly judges and condemns all of us.  But, through Jesus, He relents.  

Glutton - Part 12

Being fat is like wearing an outfit that you hate ...every dang day.

Now calm down.  I don't hate myself.  In fact I think I am rather delightful.  But I have this weird way of disassociating what I consider the real me from my actual body.  There's probably five good years of intensive pyschotherapy needed to fix that situation but I ain't got time for all that.

Because I have bigger problems.

My fat clothes are wearing out. 

After four years, the hastily bought, “I will only need these for a few months until I get my act together” clothes have seen better days.  I had replenished the fat shirt wardrobe but the pants…good grief.  To a one, they all had holes where my thighs had rubbed the fabric away.  (That is a friggin demoralizing sentence.  Mercy!)  In the summer of 2012, I don’t think I owned any sleepwear without holes.  I could just never admit to myself that I needed new fat clothes.  Fat was never going to be permanent.  The sad part is I have been fat for at least 80% of my adult life, I just never invested in clothing. 

 During the lean years, I could not stop shopping.  My closet was stuffed with skirts, dresses, jeans and blouses of every type.  I moved all those skinny clothes into my new super big walk in closet.  I moved them in as a sign of optimism.  "I am going to wear this stuff again!"  "I will not be fat forever!"  But when I walk in that closet, all I can think is "Look at all these beautiful clothes that I cannot wear." 

The clothes that do fit me take up a tiny amount of space.  Which is cruelly ironic if you think about it.

I have this black shirt.  If you know me, then you are groaning right now.  Because you know the black shirt.  It has 3/4 length sleeves.  Perfect for all seasons except extreme summer.  It's a ridiculously large size.  But you would never be able to prove that because I cut the tags out of all my fat clothes immediately upon purchase.  (Who am I fooling with this deal?)  Some helpful clothing manufacturers have begun printing the size on the actual fabric instead of sewing in a tag.  People, this must stop.  But the black shirt is not the worst part.  The tshirt is...

The giant tshirt is when I knew it had all gone wrong.  It’s happened more than once…or five times.  The giant tshirt is roomy.  It hides everything.  I buy one in 6 different patterns/colors and I wear them with everything. It's like a fat girl uniform.  When I am not wearing them (like at church) I am completely uncomfortable.  Exposed.  Like I am wearing a flashing, neon sign above my head that reads ‘fat girl wearing real clothes!!!’  My giant tshirt renders me invisible.  I am completely ignorable.  Just like I like it. 

I never face the unimaginable.  What if the giant tshirt gets too small.  What if?  

And perhaps it's time to face the truth about my wardrobe. (Perhaps!?!?!?!?)   I don't buy nice clothes because I feel the need to punish myself for being overweight.  The message is sent loud and clear by the contents of my closet.  Thin Rachel deserves 9 pair of knee high leather boots.  Fat Rachel needs to just wear that one pair of tennis shoes every day.  Thin Rachel deserves skirts, dresses, sweaters and slacks.  Fat Rachel better hope nobody she knows dies, because she ain't got one appropriate item to wear to their funeral.  Thin Rachel had coordinating undergarments.  Fat Rachel...oh merciful savior...you don't wanna know.

And more and more I am discovering that Fat Rachel just might be a glutton for punishment.

The Birthday Boys!!!

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Around here, almost everyone has to share a birthday. We have three in April, three in July, two in March. You get the idea. So when Emily got engaged to Dustin, we were thrilled to find that his birthday was the day after Kevin's. So think about it this way. Kevin's not just gaining a son, he is losing sole proprietorship on his birthday cake.

Bible Wednesday - David Part 27

Satan rose up against Israel and incited David to take a census of Israel.
1 Chronicles 21:1

Again the anger of the Lord burned against Israel, and he incited David against them, saying, “Go and take a census of Israel and Judah.”
2 Samuel 24:1


Whaddya think?  Here we have two verses describing the same scenario.  David is going to take a census.  But was he incited by God?  Or Satan? 

“Satan rose up against Israel”  
Let me just clarify something before we get started here. The word ‘satan’ literally means ‘adversary’ in this case.  The Bible is speaking of “the adversary”, the devil, the serpent, Lucifer, and he probably is called some other names that I have forgotten.  Don’t miss this though.  Just because Satan is God’s adversary does not mean that he is God’s equal. Satan and God are not two sides of the same coin. In fact, the cartoon depiction of the devil on one shoulder arguing with the angel on the other shoulder is a much more accurate depiction of Satan’s position. His ‘opposite equal’ would most likely be the archangel Michael. So yes, Satan is powerful and he has many fallen angels who plan and create much evil in the world. But never forget that he is on God’s leash. It’s hard to admit to ourselves that God has allowed all the evil that has ravaged the world we live in. But you have to ask yourself this question. What worse evil has God forestalled? 

Remember this story from the book of Job?

Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”  “Does Job fear God for nothing?” Satan replied. “Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land.  But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”  The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.”
Job 1:8-12

We don't get a backstory on David's decision to hold a census.  So I can't tell you that I know the answer.  But based upon my belief that God is sovereign and pre-iminent in ALL things, I would have to say that God was angry at Israel and used Satan as a means to punish them.  That's just the chubby housewife theology though.   Regardless of whether I am right or wrong, it's clear that Israel has done something deserving of retribution.  And David is going to be the means toward that end.

So David said to Joab and the commanders of the troops, “Go and count the Israelites from Beersheba to Dan. Then report back to me so that I may know how many there are.”
1 Chronicles 21 :2

Glutton - Part 11

I don't have a "before" picture.  Oh sure, there are lots of pictures of me out there.  Most of them taken against my will on then posted on Facebook (stop doing that please!)  But I don't have a "Here is my fat self at the beginning" picture.  It's not that I have anything against such a photo.  I just don't think one image could contain all of my 'before'. 

My husband loves to take my picture.  He snaps it and then wants me to look at it.  I never want to look and it always upsets him.  He loves me.  He (inexplicably) doesn't detest my fat self.  And he just wants a picture with his wife. There's nothing wrong with that.  In fact, it's kinda sweet.   But for me, those pictures only represent defeat.

What is the biggest failure in your life?  Can you visualize it?   Now imagine if that failure could be captured in a photo.  Would you be thrilled to 'share' that with your friends and family? That's what pictures mean to me.  I carry my failure with me everywhere I go.  I am not fooling anyone.  I cannot hide.  But somehow, I convince myself that it isn't that bad.  Until I see a picture and I'm struck by how much worse it is than I ever imagined.

I just wish you could see me the way God sees me. 

I just wish I could see me the way God sees me.

When God looks at me, He sees how hard I have struggled.  He sees how much I have tried.  He sees how I refuse to give up.  He knows my 'before'.  And He knows my 'after'.  When God looks at me, He sees Jesus.  God is not ashamed of me.  He delights in me.

Last Sunday three different pictures were taken of me.  In one I am singing to my two year olds at church.  In another I am leading them around the hallways.  In the third I am celebrating Kevin's birthday with our family.  Ya'll, can I just say this?  I look like a big chubby housewife in every one of those pictures. But for the first time, I made myself actually look at the images.  And guess what else I noticed.   I am really happy in all of those pictures.  And that answers a very difficult question I have been asking.   Do I want to be fat forever?  Nope.  Do I plan to be fat forever?  Nope? Can I enjoy the life that God has blessed me with if my before never becomes my after?  Yes.

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Book Review - The Giver

Do you get tired of me saying that a book changed my life?

Well, tough noogies, cuz this one did it again.

A few chapters in, I breathed this prayer.  "Thank you God for joy."  I thought I had this whole book figured out.   It was about life without happiness.  The story (and forgive me, it's a bit hard to explain) is about a boy named Jonas.  Jonas lives in what can ironically be described as a 'planned community".  Everything is decided for you.  Everyone is obscenely polite.  Everyone does what they are supposed to do.  (There's a lot more to it but I want to experience it via the author and not by my clumsy retelling.) 

All the kids in the community receive their career assignments at age 12.  Jonas is assigned to be the new keeper of memory.  That person holds all the memories for the community.  And he (the giver) starts to transfer those memories to Jonas.  At first Jonas is getting really good memories.  He sees color for the first time.  He experiences snow.  He learns the word 'love'.  And then he has to start receiving the bad memories.  He relives war, and death, and pain, and hunger and loneliness. 

And that's when it hit me.  Without pain, there is no joy.  Once Jonas begins to receive the memories, he realizes that all the emotions he thought he had before were just shallow imitations of the real thing.  And that is just a hard reality, isn't it?

The community has no passion.  Couples are matched and they marry.  But they don't have a marital relationship. They don't divorce, which sounds kinda awesome. They don't fight, which also sounds great.  But they also don't have any physical relationship.  And sure, that eliminates the whole adultery problem.  But it also eliminates the whole 'your husband grabs you in the kitchen and kisses you like he is serious about the deal' situation also.  I gotta tell ya.  I am not willing to give that up.  And admitting that means that I am saying that the joy of my relationship with my husband now is worth the cost of the pain from my former marriage. 

And so as I finished The Giver, I breathed a different prayer.  "Thank you God for the pain."

Bible Tuesday - David Part 26

Despite David's pleas for mercy, Absalom meets a bad end.

Now Absalom happened to meet David’s men. He was riding his mule, and as the mule went under the thick branches of a large oak, Absalom’s hair got caught in the tree. He was left hanging in midair, while the mule he was riding kept on going.
2 Samuel 18:9

I feel bad about laughing here.  I know it's sad but it's just a funny scenario...except for the murder that's about to go down.

“Enough of this nonsense,” Joab said. Then he took three daggers and plunged them into Absalom’s heart as he dangled, still alive, in the great tree. Ten of Joab’s young armor bearers then surrounded Absalom and killed him.
2 Samuel 18:14-15

Despite all that Absalom had done to him, David was distraught over his death.

The king was overcome with emotion. He went up to the room over the gateway and burst into tears. And as he went, he cried, “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you! O Absalom, my son, my son.”
2 Samuel 18:33

David's men were not too happy about all this boo hooing over Absalom.

Then Joab went to the king’s room and said to him, “We saved your life today and the lives of your sons, your daughters, and your wives and concubines. Yet you act like this, making us feel ashamed of ourselves.  You seem to love those who hate you and hate those who love you. You have made it clear today that your commanders and troops mean nothing to you. It seems that if Absalom had lived and all of us had died, you would be pleased. Now go out there and congratulate your troops, for I swear by the Lord that if you don’t go out, not a single one of them will remain here tonight. Then you will be worse off than ever before.”
2 Samuel 19: 5-7

Ya'll, I am starting to think I should have done a series of Joab.  Can you imagine how hard giving that speech must have been?  Depending on the King and his mood, this is the kinda statement that could land you at the bottom of a well.  Watch how David responds.

So the king went out and took his seat at the town gate, and as the news spread throughout the town that he was there, everyone went to him.
2 Samuel 19:8

So here we have yet another example of David receiving a pretty harsh rebuke and not only accepting it but demonstrating real repentance.  David is not just saying "I'm sorry.  You are right."  He is taking action to change his behavior. 

Glutton - Part 10

Gluttony is the sin that almost everyone condones. 

“Have just one bite.” 

"It's Christmas for goodness sake!"

"Granny made this just for you.  It will break her heart if you don't eat it."

You’ve heard all these.  I could go on for pages but, really, haven’t you suffered enough? 

But here's the hard question.  Would any other sin earn you this kind of pass?   If you admitted to your women’s bible study group that you were embezzling from your employer, would they coo over you in sympathy and blame it on menopause?  If you confided to your pastor that you were having an affair, would he say “I have the same problem every Thanksgiving?”  (And if any of these answers are “Yes”, you might want to consider finding another church.  Good grief!)

And while these scenarios seem comical, they are pretty accurate in regards to gluttony.  I know we hate to admit it but Christians are really good at picking on sins that don't tempt them.  That's why your 40 something, married for 22 years type Christians rail against pre-marital sex and birth control.  They do not struggle with that so it's easy for them to decide that these are the most heinous possible sins.  But gluttony?  That hits a bit too close to home.

Walk into most American churches and try to give a sermon on gluttony.  Good luck my friend.  Chances are very good you ain't receiving a love offering and you are definitely not getting invited to the monthly potluck supper.  Too bad buddy.  Miss Emma makes a kick butt peach cobbler and you are getting none of it. 

Is eating peach cobbler a sin?   Nope.  Is hoping the sermon is over quick today so you can run down to the fellowship hall and be first in line for the peach cobbler a sin?  Well...kinda.

Here is the truth.  Not only has the church condoned gluttony as a sin, most of them have institutionalized it. Jesus told us to feed the hungry.  When are we gonna stop feeding ourselves long enough to try that? 

And look, there are lots of churches out there that are doing great work.  They are following the commands of Christ in a way that is more than admirable.  But if your congregation is filled with people that are obese it may be time to acknowledge that maybe not all of us are 'big boned'.  Maybe it's time to admit that we are a big ol' bunch of sinners.  And in this case the plank in our own eye just might be a stick of butter.