Forgive

It finally happened.

8 years and 11 months later, my ex husband apologized to me.

Honestly, I never thought I would hear those words.  A few years ago, someone asked him if he was ever gonna tell me he was sorry and his response was something like "I haven't done anything to be sorry about." 

And I wasn't exactly waiting on an apology.  When friends and family would lament his lack of contrition, I always thought to myself. "What good could words possibly do?"  How could a collection of letters knit themself together and heal the wounds he had caused?  I found the whole idea simply ludicrous.  All that pain.  All that rejection.  So much worry.  So much sorrow.  Words could not even begin to heal me.

But as he said those words, I realized something.  "I'm sorry" can't eradicate pain.  It can't change history.  It cannot right wrongs.  But those words can validate a painful experience.  God had healed me a long time ago.  He used Kevin to show me that love was real and still more powerful than any other force in the universe.  And for that I am thankful.

But hearing an apology was like taking a band-aid off a horrible wound and finding only an impressive scar.

Book Review - The Casual Vacancy

I hated this book so hard.

I did not approach this book thinking it would be anything like Rowling's Harry Potter series.  I say that because all the glowing reviews of this piece of drivel on Amazon assume this is the reason that people don't like it.  Some reviewers have even compared this to The Grapes of Wrath or Great Expectations.  To this, my only response can be : "What are you smoking?"

The Casual Vacancy is about small town politics.  And it's also about just horrible people.  Is this real life?  I really hope not.  Because this is the saddest bunch of humans I have ever encountered.

The story, in itself, is fairly interesting.  A small town trying desperately to stay insulated from a bigger city to somehow retain their facade of virtue and goodness.  And to give JK Rowling credit...she writes some fine sentences. 

But, in the end, I think she was just trying too hard to prove that she could write an adult novel.  Using the most graphic language over and over again doesn't make something 'grown up'.  And it just seems like someone who is talented enough to create Harry Potter oughta know that.

Seriously...even more Fall Break

Customize a slideshow design

Bible Tuesday - David Part 29

Let's see if we can catch up here.  After the census debacle, David begins to amass materials and workers to build God's temple. 

Then he called for Solomon his son and charged him to build a house for the Lord, the God of Israel.  David said to Solomon, “My son, I had it in my heart to build a house to the name of the Lord my God.  But the word of the Lord came to me, saying, ‘You have shed much blood and have waged great wars. You shall not build a house to my name, because you have shed so much blood before me on the earth. Behold, a son shall be born to you who shall be a man of rest. I will give him rest from all his surrounding enemies. For his name shall be Solomon, and I will give peace and quiet to Israel in his days.  He shall build a house for my name. He shall be my son, and I will be his father, and I will establish his royal throne in Israel forever.’
1 Chronicles 22:6-10

David appoints Solomon to be the next King of Israel.  When you think about Solomon, try to remember that he is the second son of David and Bathsheba.  I think Solomon is God's way of reminding us that He can fulfill His purpose despite all our nonsense.  God could have raised up the next King from any one of David's other wives.  But He didn't.

Yet the Lord God of Israel chose me from all my father's house to be king over Israel forever. For he chose Judah as leader, and in the house of Judah my father's house, and among my father's sons he took pleasure in me to make me king over all Israel. And of all my sons (for the Lord has given me many sons) he has chosen Solomon my son to sit on the throne of the kingdom of the Lord over Israel. He said to me, ‘It is Solomon your son who shall build my house and my courts, for I have chosen him to be my son, and I will be his father. I will establish his kingdom forever if he continues strong in keeping my commandments and my rules, as he is today.’
1 Chronicles 28:4-7

And then David gives his son a spectacular piece of advice.

And you, Solomon my son, get to know well your father’s God; serve him with a whole heart and eager mind, for God examines every heart and sees through every motive. If you seek him, he’ll make sure you find him, but if you abandon him, he’ll leave you for good. Look sharp now! God has chosen you to build his holy house. Be brave, determined! And do it!”
1 Chronicles 28:9-10

- Get to know your Father's God
- Serve Him
- Seek Him
- Be Brave
- DO IT!!!

Almost all of David's bad parenting can be overlooked by the awesome contained in this last piece of advice. 

Glutton - Part 14

I find myself exhausted.

Weary.

I am so very tired of :

Proclamations
Zumba
B-12
Chicken breasts
Resolutions
Gym memberships
Dr Oz
Slim Fast
Green tea
Calorie counting
Yoga Mats
Women's magazines
Infomercials
Carb counting
Tony Horton
Mondays
Anything titled "Turbo"
Fat gram counting
Spanx
The Biggest Loser
Medifast
'skinny' jeans
Guilt
New Year's Eve
The scale
Jenny Craig
Pilates
Excuses
Arbitrary deadlines
Oprah
Lean Cuisine
New Year's Day
Shunning the scale
Giant T-shirts
Paleo
Nutri-System
Atkins
Three way mirrors
Treadmills
Friggin water
Rice cakes
Skim Milk
Special K
Fat free sour cream (not so much tired of this as I am convinced it should not exist)
Hiding
Failure

And I know that whining is not the solution.  This is the solution:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 11:28-29

The truth is that I have been wandering in this desert for FAR too long.  And it is killing me. I feel that it is finally time to stop focusing on hunger and concentrate on my thirst.  I am spiritually, mentally and emotionally dehydrated.  I am so blessed to have family and friends who 'splash' me every day with love, acceptance, wisdom and support.  But at the end of it all, this is not their problem.  I am the one in the desert.  And I know the only way to survive is to get to the well.

Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”
“Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?  Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”
Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again,  but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
John 4:10-14

Funday

More Fall Break 2012

This free slideshow generated with Smilebox

Glutton - Part 13

I was on a conference call hosted by Jen at Simple Girl Blog.  She's a health coach and I think she's pretty good at it.  Of all the diet stuff that I have tried, her health coaching is something that I have resisted.  Wanna know why? 

 1.  I would like her business to be a success and I don't trust myself enough yet.  I mean imagine if I am still obese this time next year (I won't be!).  I would hate to be the big fat billboard that says "Don't hire Jen!".

 2.  I am pretty sure she will make me start eating green stuff.  People, I am just not there yet, ok?

But I did participate in one call.  And it was great.  At one point, we were discussing the scale.  Why we hate it, why it sucks, etc. and Jen said "What if you just took a year off?"  She wasn't specifically talking to me.  It was a general question.  But I felt the blood roaring through my ears.  My mouth went dry.  I could barely speak. (You see how serious this was right?)  Take a year off?  One part of me was exhilarated.  Twelve glorious months without worrying about weight, diets, gallons of plain water, supplements, exercise, scales, fat clothes.  For just a second, I was Charlie Bucket and I had the golden ticket.  But then reality knocked on my door.  I thought, "Good grief! If I am this fat after dieting for four straight years, how big would I be after a year off!"  Then I envisioned the fire department having to cut off half my house to extricate me or some other TLC style fat person reality scenario. 

So as you can see, I immediately took a simple suggestion to both possible extremes. And extremes are at the heart of my problem.  And so the question I am pondering now is this:  Can a glutton learn moderation?  

Funday

Quoted

Good people know about both good and evil: bad people do not know about either.

 

 

C.S. Lewis


I am gonna need an 'Amen' from somebody on this one.

Book Review - The Harbinger

It's book club time again ya'll!!!

Since the Oliver North fiasco, I have had really good luck.  Great books, great discussions, great gals.   But I knew it couldn't last.  And so, we were introduced to The Harbinger.

Just look in the top left corner.  You see that blurb?  It says "Extraordinary" - Pat Robertson.  See...that should have tipped me off.  But I bought it on the Kindle where, apparently, they hide the blurbs by crazy TV preachers in an effort to con you into thinking you are reading something good.

There are lots of reasons that the world hates us.  (And by 'us' I mean Christians)  Not the least of which is the fact that Jesus told us the world would hate us.  So I ain't all that concerned by it...but still.  Christian fiction is one of the worst evangelists.  And this book is a real good example of why.

Much like "Ollie's" book, this book is written as fiction to somehow cloak the fact that IT'S TRUE!!!
And that just gets on my nerves.  If your story is true, then have the dang courage to write it as non-fiction.  Because once you wrap your words in the genre of fiction, then it leads me to wonder just how much of this story is made up.  And in the context of this book, the fiction part is what kills it.  The author has copious footnotes.  He can back up his legitimate claims.  But he buries his facts in the clunkiest dialogue in the history of writing.  It is just supremely awful. 

So, quick recap.  America is being warned by God to repent.  So far, so good.  I would absolutely agree that God is not super thrilled with our behavior.  The harbingers are specific events that have occurred that the author ties back to biblical prophecy.  Some are very specific.  Others are a bit vaguer. 

Spoiler Alert! One of the harbingers in John Edwards.  No.  Seriously.

And here's the best part.  My whole book club hated it!  I was so happy.  And look, I am pretty good at being able to love and respect people with whom I disagree.  But this book is doody and I just don't think that is a fact left open for interpretation.

Cheekwood 2012

Customize your own free slideshow

Bible Tuesday - David Part 28

So David wants a census. 

At first glance, this doesn’t seem like a big deal.  Israel has had a census before.  But this census was not God’s idea.  And David’s commander, Joab, seems to sense that this is a colossally bad idea. (Did I mention that I need to write a post about Joab?) And he asks David not to do it. Here is another big clue into David's character.  David has not surrounded himself with ‘yes men’.  Joab feels completely comfortable questioning David’s decision.  Nevertheless, David decides to go forward anyway.

But God was displeased with this thing. 
1 Chron 21:7

And God gives David a choice of punishments

And David said to God, “I have sinned greatly in that I have done this thing. But now, please take away the iniquity of your servant, for I have acted very foolishly.”  And the Lord spoke to Gad, David's seer, saying,  “Go and say to David, ‘Thus says the Lord, Three things I offer you; choose one of them, that I may do it to you.’”  So Gad came to David and said to him, “Thus says the Lord, ‘Choose what you will:  either three years of famine, or three months of devastation by your foes while the sword of your enemies overtakes you, or else three days of the sword of the Lord, pestilence on the land, with the angel of the Lord destroying throughout all the territory of Israel.’ Now decide what answer I shall return to him who sent me.”  Then David said to Gad, “I am in great distress. Let me fall into the hand of the Lord, for his mercy is very great, but do not let me fall into the hand of man.”
1 Chronicles 21:8-13

So the Lord sent a pestilence on Israel, and 70,000 men of Israel fell. And God sent the angel to Jerusalem to destroy it, but as he was about to destroy it, the Lord saw, and he relented from the calamity. And he said to the angel who was working destruction, “It is enough; now stay your hand.” And the angel of the Lord was standing by the threshing floor of Ornan the Jebusite. And David lifted his eyes and saw the angel of the Lord standing between earth and heaven, and in his hand a drawn sword stretched out over Jerusalem. Then David and the elders, clothed in sackcloth, fell upon their faces.  And David said to God, “Was it not I who gave command to number the people? It is I who have sinned and done great evil. But these sheep, what have they done? Please let your hand, O Lord my God, be against me and against my father's house. But do not let the plague be on your people.”
1 Chronicles 21:14-17

A couple of things stand out to me here.

1^st – David is taking responsibility. He is trying to save his people from the consequences of his actions.

2^nd- The angel of the Lord.  Here’s another "The" angel moment.  Might be Jesus.  Might not be.  Fascinates me nonetheless.

3^rd – The angel is standing by the threshing floor of Ornan the Jebusite.  Spoiler Alert:  This is going to be the site of the temple.  So think about all the things you have ever heard about the temple mount.  Past, present and future.  The most coveted piece of real estate in the world. And here is your first introduction to it. 

4^th – Here is the big one.  God allowed 70,000 men of Israel to be killed as punishment for David’s census.  I can hear you already.  “THAT’S NOT FAIR!!!”  And here is the truth.  God is always right and God is always good.  He is not measured by your opinion.  We see a moment in time while God sees the panorama of ALL time from the beginning until the end.  Yes, our human sensibility recoils from the idea that 70,000 innocent men died for David’s mistake.  But the Bible says “there is a way that seems right to man and in the end it leads to destruction.” (Proverbs 14:12)  The point I am trying to make (albeit badly) here is that time and again, naysayers will point out these type of biblical incidents where God seemingly does something that they just think is wrong.  It usually goes something like: "How could a loving God allow…fill in the blank with whatever.”  And the hard answer is that God is love and you don’t get to define what love means.  We are fallen people who live in a fallen world.  You can go back less than 100 years in history and find a completely different set of moral dictates.  Go back 100 more years and they will change again.  But God does not change. You’ll notice that David does not shake his finger in the face of God here.  He begs for mercy.  And the funny thing is, he begs for mercy after God has already granted it.  “and He relented from the calamity."

When I said earlier that God doesn’t change, I should have added this caveat.  Sometimes God relents.  It happens quite abit throughout the Old Testament.  The Israelites do something horrible.  God rightly judges them and decrees annihilation, destruction, etc. But then His love for His people stops him.  And the ultimate manifestation of this love forestalling destruction is Jesus.  God rightly judges and condemns all of us.  But, through Jesus, He relents.  

Glutton - Part 12

Being fat is like wearing an outfit that you hate ...every dang day.

Now calm down.  I don't hate myself.  In fact I think I am rather delightful.  But I have this weird way of disassociating what I consider the real me from my actual body.  There's probably five good years of intensive pyschotherapy needed to fix that situation but I ain't got time for all that.

Because I have bigger problems.

My fat clothes are wearing out. 

After four years, the hastily bought, “I will only need these for a few months until I get my act together” clothes have seen better days.  I had replenished the fat shirt wardrobe but the pants…good grief.  To a one, they all had holes where my thighs had rubbed the fabric away.  (That is a friggin demoralizing sentence.  Mercy!)  In the summer of 2012, I don’t think I owned any sleepwear without holes.  I could just never admit to myself that I needed new fat clothes.  Fat was never going to be permanent.  The sad part is I have been fat for at least 80% of my adult life, I just never invested in clothing. 

 During the lean years, I could not stop shopping.  My closet was stuffed with skirts, dresses, jeans and blouses of every type.  I moved all those skinny clothes into my new super big walk in closet.  I moved them in as a sign of optimism.  "I am going to wear this stuff again!"  "I will not be fat forever!"  But when I walk in that closet, all I can think is "Look at all these beautiful clothes that I cannot wear." 

The clothes that do fit me take up a tiny amount of space.  Which is cruelly ironic if you think about it.

I have this black shirt.  If you know me, then you are groaning right now.  Because you know the black shirt.  It has 3/4 length sleeves.  Perfect for all seasons except extreme summer.  It's a ridiculously large size.  But you would never be able to prove that because I cut the tags out of all my fat clothes immediately upon purchase.  (Who am I fooling with this deal?)  Some helpful clothing manufacturers have begun printing the size on the actual fabric instead of sewing in a tag.  People, this must stop.  But the black shirt is not the worst part.  The tshirt is...

The giant tshirt is when I knew it had all gone wrong.  It’s happened more than once…or five times.  The giant tshirt is roomy.  It hides everything.  I buy one in 6 different patterns/colors and I wear them with everything. It's like a fat girl uniform.  When I am not wearing them (like at church) I am completely uncomfortable.  Exposed.  Like I am wearing a flashing, neon sign above my head that reads ‘fat girl wearing real clothes!!!’  My giant tshirt renders me invisible.  I am completely ignorable.  Just like I like it. 

I never face the unimaginable.  What if the giant tshirt gets too small.  What if?  

And perhaps it's time to face the truth about my wardrobe. (Perhaps!?!?!?!?)   I don't buy nice clothes because I feel the need to punish myself for being overweight.  The message is sent loud and clear by the contents of my closet.  Thin Rachel deserves 9 pair of knee high leather boots.  Fat Rachel needs to just wear that one pair of tennis shoes every day.  Thin Rachel deserves skirts, dresses, sweaters and slacks.  Fat Rachel better hope nobody she knows dies, because she ain't got one appropriate item to wear to their funeral.  Thin Rachel had coordinating undergarments.  Fat Rachel...oh merciful savior...you don't wanna know.

And more and more I am discovering that Fat Rachel just might be a glutton for punishment.

The Birthday Boys!!!

Personalize a free slideshow

Around here, almost everyone has to share a birthday. We have three in April, three in July, two in March. You get the idea. So when Emily got engaged to Dustin, we were thrilled to find that his birthday was the day after Kevin's. So think about it this way. Kevin's not just gaining a son, he is losing sole proprietorship on his birthday cake.

Bible Wednesday - David Part 27

Satan rose up against Israel and incited David to take a census of Israel.
1 Chronicles 21:1

Again the anger of the Lord burned against Israel, and he incited David against them, saying, “Go and take a census of Israel and Judah.”
2 Samuel 24:1


Whaddya think?  Here we have two verses describing the same scenario.  David is going to take a census.  But was he incited by God?  Or Satan? 

“Satan rose up against Israel”  
Let me just clarify something before we get started here. The word ‘satan’ literally means ‘adversary’ in this case.  The Bible is speaking of “the adversary”, the devil, the serpent, Lucifer, and he probably is called some other names that I have forgotten.  Don’t miss this though.  Just because Satan is God’s adversary does not mean that he is God’s equal. Satan and God are not two sides of the same coin. In fact, the cartoon depiction of the devil on one shoulder arguing with the angel on the other shoulder is a much more accurate depiction of Satan’s position. His ‘opposite equal’ would most likely be the archangel Michael. So yes, Satan is powerful and he has many fallen angels who plan and create much evil in the world. But never forget that he is on God’s leash. It’s hard to admit to ourselves that God has allowed all the evil that has ravaged the world we live in. But you have to ask yourself this question. What worse evil has God forestalled? 

Remember this story from the book of Job?

Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”  “Does Job fear God for nothing?” Satan replied. “Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land.  But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”  The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.”
Job 1:8-12

We don't get a backstory on David's decision to hold a census.  So I can't tell you that I know the answer.  But based upon my belief that God is sovereign and pre-iminent in ALL things, I would have to say that God was angry at Israel and used Satan as a means to punish them.  That's just the chubby housewife theology though.   Regardless of whether I am right or wrong, it's clear that Israel has done something deserving of retribution.  And David is going to be the means toward that end.

So David said to Joab and the commanders of the troops, “Go and count the Israelites from Beersheba to Dan. Then report back to me so that I may know how many there are.”
1 Chronicles 21 :2

Glutton - Part 11

I don't have a "before" picture.  Oh sure, there are lots of pictures of me out there.  Most of them taken against my will on then posted on Facebook (stop doing that please!)  But I don't have a "Here is my fat self at the beginning" picture.  It's not that I have anything against such a photo.  I just don't think one image could contain all of my 'before'. 

My husband loves to take my picture.  He snaps it and then wants me to look at it.  I never want to look and it always upsets him.  He loves me.  He (inexplicably) doesn't detest my fat self.  And he just wants a picture with his wife. There's nothing wrong with that.  In fact, it's kinda sweet.   But for me, those pictures only represent defeat.

What is the biggest failure in your life?  Can you visualize it?   Now imagine if that failure could be captured in a photo.  Would you be thrilled to 'share' that with your friends and family? That's what pictures mean to me.  I carry my failure with me everywhere I go.  I am not fooling anyone.  I cannot hide.  But somehow, I convince myself that it isn't that bad.  Until I see a picture and I'm struck by how much worse it is than I ever imagined.

I just wish you could see me the way God sees me. 

I just wish I could see me the way God sees me.

When God looks at me, He sees how hard I have struggled.  He sees how much I have tried.  He sees how I refuse to give up.  He knows my 'before'.  And He knows my 'after'.  When God looks at me, He sees Jesus.  God is not ashamed of me.  He delights in me.

Last Sunday three different pictures were taken of me.  In one I am singing to my two year olds at church.  In another I am leading them around the hallways.  In the third I am celebrating Kevin's birthday with our family.  Ya'll, can I just say this?  I look like a big chubby housewife in every one of those pictures. But for the first time, I made myself actually look at the images.  And guess what else I noticed.   I am really happy in all of those pictures.  And that answers a very difficult question I have been asking.   Do I want to be fat forever?  Nope.  Do I plan to be fat forever?  Nope? Can I enjoy the life that God has blessed me with if my before never becomes my after?  Yes.

Honeysuckle Hill Farm

Another picture slideshow by Smilebox