New Year, Old Attitude

This year I resolve to not give up. It's more complicated than it sounds.

A few days ago, I was at the nail salon (again!) staring into their wall size mirror behind the manicure stations. It's an inescapable mirror. The only other option is to stare at your hands or to actually try to hold a conversation with the manicurist. The image reflected in that mirror was not so different than the one I saw there last year. I'm still within my ten pound weight range (albeit closer to the top of that range than I would like). Wrinkles aren't multiplying at breakneck speed. Nothing in my reflection to fill me with terror. But looking into it, I was reminded of one of my favorite passages from a novel. In The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood , one of the main characters, Vivi, is giving advice to a friend of hers about cosmetics, hair and clothing. The friend tells her that she cannot afford to buy all these things just to look good and Vivi replies, "You can't afford not to." This has become something akin to my personal motto.

I was feeling guilt as I looked into that mirror because I was paying to have my nails done. Obviously I don't have a ton of unallocated income. There are probably lots of other items I could put that bi-weekly sum toward. This thought scared me because this is how the downhill slide for me generally begins. I start to think of all the reasons I should not value my appearance in a "mommy-martyr" kind of way and pretty soon I find myself wearing sweatpants and hiding in the house for six years. I just can't take a chance on ever going down that road again.

I guess it's a positive sign that I feel confident enough in my relationship with Kevin that I don't think he will dump me over a bad hair, face, or butt day. But would he be so understanding about a bad hair, face or butt year? The answer really doesn't matter. What I learned the last time I slid down the hill is that it matters to me. I'm not the same Rachel when I dress to be invisible. I'm not the same Rachel when I try to hide my horribly unmanicured hands. I'm not the same Rachel when I give up.

I don't think I'm vain. I don't really have to look better than anyone else. I just need to feel as if I'm taking some pride in myself. It's just a willful decision to fight the part of me that settles so quickly into a rut.

I can't afford not to.

Gingerbread

In a desperate attempt to start some traditions, we did our best to make a gingerbread house. OK, Emily tried to make a gingerbread house and I watched...whatever.


Kaylee ate frosting.



Anna ate frosting.



Emily and Ava ate frosting.



I'm sure Katie and Savannah ate frosting too but for some reason, I didn't get any photographic evidence...

Yes, Virginia...

Once upon a time, a man I love reminded me of the true meaning of Christmas. It sounds like a cliche, I know. But he took my breath away with a gift he gave anonymously to a family I don't even know. You can tell a lot about a man by the things he will do without expectation of return or acknowledgement.

One day, when he pisses me off, for no good reason, I will think of how he helped me remember what it was like to believe and I will fall in love with him all over again.

Hope

I know he's just a politician and there's probably a 90 percent chance that he is completely full of crap...but it sparks something within me to hear a candidate give voice to these things.

Ava's day out

So Ava decided she was too sick to go with her dad this weekend. I thought that dragging her with me to run assorted errands would cure her of ever pulling such a stunt again. I may have miscalculated...

I took her with me to the nail salon. What kid wants to sit for an hour while mom gets her nails done? The salon wasn't busy so the owner let Ava "pick a color" and proceeded to give her a free manicure.


Then I took her to lunch. Chik-Fil-A is closed on Sunday and Ava never wants anything but chicken nuggets. I got her a hamburger. She seemed to enjoy it anyway.



When we picked up her sisters late Sunday afternoon, she asked sweetly "Did you miss me?"

It really is...

This is my all-time favorite movie. Remember when they used to play it on every station basically nonstop during Christmas? Even that overkill never ruined it for me. I limit myself now to one yearly viewing and even though it's probably cliche, it's just become my personal Christmas tradition. I love Jimmy Stewart's exuberance in the final scene. I always laugh when the maid comes through with her "dee-vorce" money. And every time I hear the brother call George Baily "the richest man in town", I sob like an infant. And nothing says Christmas like me weeping in front of the television...

Screen Savers

We finally got high speed internet access at home. I realize I'm a little late to the game but I spend all day at a computer so home access didn't seem to be a big priority. But lately the kids have received an increasing number of online assignments and projects that could really benefit from internet research. Did you know the maps in my old set of encyclopedia's are all wrong now? Anyway, we're hooked up and the kids are now obsessed.

The funny thing is they only go to about three websites. Kaylee actually begged me to wake her up an hour early so she could get some extra time on ClubPenguin. The kid normally gets up before 6AM so you can see that she was dedicated. Then she wanted to tell me all about this great site she found that has all kind of videos to watch. Yep...the kid discovered Youtube three years after the rest of the world. So now all three of them are like little cave-girls drawn to the irresistible glow of the the screen. And I was worried they wouldn't have anything to fight over until after Christmas...

Happy Birthday Fernando!

I may have possibly forgotten Fernando's birthday. The only way to make up for this serious friendship breach is to offer up some serious James Brown.

Santa's Little Helpers

Watch my babies jingle their bells!

Shopping observations

- Online shopping has ruined me for the mall. There are tons of people there and they're all in line in front of me.

- Lady, I'm sorry life hasn't turned out quite like you had planned. I understand. I've been there myself. But your exaggerated sighs each time someone steps up to your check-out register only serves to piss me off which isn't the Christmas spirit thing I was hoping for, OK?

- Conversely, the employees at a certain candle store in the mall are arrogant heifers. It's a candle. I've used them before. I think I've got the whole "light it" and "let it burn" thing figured out. I really don't need your ten minute lecture on wick trimming. Thanks a bunch.

- I've never once paid full price for anything at 'Linens and Things'. It makes me happy. They carry suprisingly few linens, though. They should call it 'A Bunch of things and a few Linens'.

- Macy's makes me really miss Castner Knott. I loved that store.

- You know those annoying Kiosk people in the mall? They never approach me. I must give off some weird "Speak one word to me and I will not hesitate to karate chop you right here in front of God and everybody" vibes. It works out great because I'm not in the market for any miracle hand cream, cell phones or sequined purses.

- I spent an entire day by myself and enjoyed it immensely. I'm pretty damn good company.

Mo baby...

This kid reminds me of my all time favorite youtube starring the dramatic prairie dog.

Babies eating lemons

I never did this to my babies...but I wish I had :)

Vocab Quiz!

If you are a big nerd like me, go here and get sucked into a neverending vocabulary game. I cannot stop myself.

Anti-Dentite

We should completely abandon the process of waterboarding terrorist suspects. We should send them to American dental offices where I assure you they will admit to anything in short order.

I've been dreading my latest trip to the dentist for several weeks. I needed two root canals. Up until now, I've never had any dental procedures more complicated than a filling. I've never had a dentist hurt me at all. But the phrase "Root Canal" just sounds friggin painful, doesn't it? My friend Jamie assured me that it wouldn't hurt. I read about 30 articles online that said the same thing. I was nervous nonetheless.

I arrived at the office, signed all the paperwork and settled into that comfy chair. The dentist came in and actually used a topical numbing agent on my gums before she injected the anesthesia. I was thrilled. I didn't even have to suffer through the shot. She began drilling on the larger of the two teeth and I felt nothing. She drilled, poked, and scraped for quite a while while I happily stared out the window feeling no pain. I marveled at the progress made by modern dentistry. It was amazing.

The only discomfort came from this rubber dam they use. It's this weird device that looks like a surgical glove. They clamp it over the teeth that need treatment and, in theory, it's supposed to keep you from swallowing all that rinsing liquid. It keeps your mouth opened very wide and from what I can tell makes you look very similar to Hannibal Lecter.

After finishing the first tooth, the dentist left me to attend to some other patients. She was gone quite a while and as I still had that latex thing holding my mouth open, I was a little bit uncomfortable. But I felt this was a small price to pay for a pain free root canal.

When she returned to begin the second tooth( which she said would be the "easy" one), things changed. I felt the drill immediately. She injected more numbing medicine. She started again. The pain was so intense, I was literally trying to crawl out of the chair. Isn't it funny how your body reacts to pain in a primal way? It's like your brain is screaming "Get out. We don't care if you are embarrassed, we must get away from this." The dentist is apologizing profusely and finally tells me she must inject the meds directly into the tooth. I have no words for what that felt like. Tears were gushing from my eyes and the sweet little assistant couldn't keep up with them. Then came the blood. Lots of it. The dentist said the tooth must be infected because it was bleeding profusely. Did I mention all that infected blood was running, unchecked, down my throat? Yummy.

Finally she decided that there was no way to finish that procedure until the infection was gone. So she proceeded to inject a syringe of some kind of medication into the hole that she had drilled into the tooth. That felt about as bad as you are imagining but honestly, at that point, I was so exhausted with pain that it barely registered. She put a temporary filling on both teeth and told me that we could "finish up" at my next appointment. Goody...

Here's what I have learned from this experience...

1- If your husband leaves you without insurance, find a way to maintain your dental health anyway. Borrow, steal, whatever.

2- Jamie and the internet are sadistic liars.

3- A search for a picture of "latex dental dams" will lead you to some weird sex toys. Don't try it.

Random Thanksgiving Weekend Pics

We decorated the tree...




Kevin broke my computer...



Ava and Katie used the Christmas tree box as a boat...




OK. Maybe Kevin didn't actually break the computer...





And I finally realize my camera phone doesn't have a flash...

Joy

You've heard this song a zillion times. You've never heard it quite like this. I've watched it often and not once has that last note failed to cause tears to, literally, shoot out of my eyes.

Thanksgiving 2007

I am thankful for:

Little girls (including the ones I gave birth to!)
Cornbread dressing and pecan pie
Being able to watch the parade with Katie and Anna since my girls were with Ryan
The big Thanksgiving day newspaper
Emily's help in the kitchen
Dylan not helping in the kitchen
Coffee
Crazy old people
Mortgages
Clean carpets
That cranberry stuff shaped like a can.


But mostly I am thankful that I didn't spend Thanksgiving alone this year. Being alone on holidays while surrounded by friends and family sucks. Spending them with someone you love is way better. I highly recommend it :)

Mo Movies !!!

My Hammie

I'm not a pet person. There. I said it. It's not that I dislike animals. I like them. I really do. I'm just not the kind of person that would ever put my dog on a transplant list or consider chemotherapy treatments for one. I know pets become very important to their owners but I just don't see myself ever buying a Halloween costume for the family dog, pig, iguana, etc.

My kids, on the other hand, are pet people. Kaylee especially has been desperate for a dog for years. I try to explain to her that we are never at home and it wouldn't be fair to have a puppy that we have to keep locked in the kitchen for 13 hours every day. She seems to understand the logic of this argument but it doesn't stop her from wishing.

So last Christmas, in a desperate attempt to be "The Best Mom Evah!!!", I bought the girls a hamster. They freaked. Never have I seen such excitement on Christmas morning. My dad sat at the table grumbling... " I spent a thousand bucks on presents for them and they go crazy over a ten dollar rat." The best part is that it really solidified their belief in Santa for at least a couple more years. They believe that Santa defied my household pet ban and gifted them with this hamster despite my objections. The worst part is that as Christmas approaches this year, I know there's no way I can top that gift. After the hamster, it's all anticlimactic unless a fluffy puppy with a big red bow around it's neck wakes them up on Christmas morning.

Not. Gonna.Happen.

Quoted

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.

- Mahatma Gandhi

Home Movies

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!

Dear Retailers,

Umm...Hi,

It's November. I understand that the whole global warming thing has caused some confusion for you guys but winter is actually coming. I know it's not "sweata weatha", but the temperature is certainly bordering on ...chilly. And while I am amused by the short sleeve turtleneck, I don't actually get it. You either need a turtleneck or you need a short sleeve shirt. I'm not sure how this combo achieves anything but a hot neck or cold arms. So if you could just move the tank tops to the clearance section and offer a few items that could be construed as seasonally appropriate, that would be awesome.

Love,
Rachel

P.S. The upcoming "Holidays" are also in winter, so advertising holiday dresses for little girls that are constructed of fur, velvet and sequins while simultaneously being SLEEVELESS is starting to piss me off. So stop that also.

Halloween 2007

Another year...another 75 fun size Snickers bars.



Ava was really excited about trick-or-treating this year. She got pretty tired by the last few houses and, at one point, sat down in a random driveway and said "Mommy, I think I have enough candy." I have to get a DNA test on this kid.



Kaylee,whose love of chocolate definitively proves her lineage, was literally running from house to house. This is the same kid that still wants to ride in the shopping cart because walking through the grocery store is just too much work. The only thing that slowed her down was her need to have a conversation with each and every homeowner. Her dialogue ranged from asking them to guess her costume to discussions of how prevalent Whoppers seemed to be this year.



Savannah had the roughest time of it. She was Minnie Mouse and I had bought her a pair of little yellow shoes to complete her costume. They weren't high heels but they hurt her feet nonetheless. So half the time, she walked around wearing only her socks. When she was wearing the shoes, she slipped multiple times and actually banged her knee up once. This clumsy streak was not exactly the trait I hoped she would inherit from me.

Lordy, Lordy, Look who's forty...one

Saturday was Kevin's birthday so as a special treat we let him take all of us out to dinner :) This time last year, we had only been dating for a few weeks and I had not met his kids yet. Understandably, they weren't terribly interested in sharing their family celebration with dad's new girlfriend. This year, they probably still weren't interested, but they let us come along anyway.




And that, my friends, is what I like to call "Progress".

Persistance

I'm no big fan of football, but this is simply amazing...

Who knew?

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Working Class Warrior, also known as a blue-collar Democrat. You believe that the little guy is getting screwed by conservative greed-mongers and corporate criminals, and you’re not going to take it anymore.

Take the quiz at www.FightConservatives.com

Quoted

"In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican." - H.L. Mencken

I can haz debt?

I just became the proud owner of the house I have lived in for the past eight years. I know...it seems pretty anticlimactic, doesn't it? I was awarded the house in the divorce settlement. And when I say "awarded the house", I mean legally obliged to make the mortgage payments for my ex until I was able to secure a loan in my own name. I made out like a bandit, didn't I? Due to my incredible naivete when we originally bought the house, my name was on neither the deed nor the mortgage. In hindsight, this was a really dumb move. But, at the time, it never occurred to me to protect my assets for the day when I would be dumped for an old lady. Lesson learned.

So I closed last week and Ryan signed the deed over yesterday. And I feel overwhelming relief. This has been the last divorce thing that had to be settled and I have dreaded the process for years. Suprisingly, getting a mortgage was the easiest part of the whole divorce. It literally took two weeks from application to closing.

I loved my little house when we first looked at it eight years ago. I love my little house today. It's too damn small. The appliances are almost as old as me. Every faucet leaks. Every drain is slow. But I am grateful because in just 30 short years, it will be all mine.

For a minute I was worried

Via Hugh, I discover that the Democrats do indeed have a plan.

...the Democrats have a very cunning plan. They shoot themselves in the foot and then if the Republicans don’t do what they’re told the Democrats threaten to shoot themselves in the other foot.

I feel a lot better now.

Quoted

During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.

- George Orwell

Car Wash!

The next time your kids beg you to let one of their friends spend the weekend,

don't think of it as an extra mouth to feed.

Think of it as an opportunity to exploit child labor for the price of an Icee.

Star Wars Trumpet

I have to admit that if YouTube had been in existence when I was a teenager, there would be hundreds of videos floating around of me making a complete a** out of myself...But this gal did this ON PURPOSE. She rehearsed it. Had a costume made. Probably performed it in front of loved ones. ( I use that term loosely because honestly, if you really loved someone, would you allow them to do this?)

Give me some sugar...

I really like Halloween. I know you're shocked that I would enjoy a holiday built entirely around candy...but it's true :) I just wonder if my kids think the whole thing is a little strange. 364 days of the year, I won't even let them cross the street. But come October 31st, I gleefully allow them to wander around strange neighborhoods...in the dark... and beg food off of complete strangers...while dressed as a princess/cheerleader/monkey/dinosaur/etc.

Dear Santa...

I know it's early but Fernando and I really need these for Christmas.

Random Savannah Pics

Random Kaylee Pics

Random Ava Pics

I Believe...

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.

Every day I watch the news with growing amazement, disillusionment, horror, bemusement, cynicism and anger. But I still believe...

Jeepers Creepers

Since school started this year, Savannah has been complaining of headaches and trouble reading. Now any normal mother would have assumed that the child had a problem with her eyesight and would have taken her to the optometrist immediately. Not me. No sir. I just ignored her for several weeks assuming she was just making excuses for not doing her work. Nice, huh? I finally came to my senses and took her for an exam which proved that she had been telling the truth all along. In fact, the doctor was amazed that her teacher had not contacted me. He said her vision was so bad, he couldn't imagine that she wasn't having major problems in school. Ooops!

I feel tremendous guilt, as it is, for dumping my kids every day to go to work. Now I can add to that the shame of letting my precious firstborn stumble through her first six weeks of fourth grade like Mr. Magoo.

September 21, 2006

365 more my love...

Birthday party on the farm

OK...so it wasn't a "real" farm but the girls got to see some cows and they don't know any better :)

Eavesdropping II

We live in a very small house. This can be very convenient or very annoying depending on the situation. Since Kaylee has a really loud voice, (like me), I can usually hear every word the kid says no matter where she is in the house. This weekend she was talking to her friend Carla about how much she loves her family..(did I mention that she also tends to be quite melodramatic?) Anyway, at one point she declared, "I wouldn't trade my mom for anything in the whole wide world." And just as I was starting to get all teary-eyed, she added "except maybe for a pony."

Good to know where I stand :)

September 14, 1973

33 was good to me...

Shopping

If you have enough imagination,





shoe shopping with your mother



doesn't have to be boring.



You can always play "Armed Robbery' with your sisters to pass the time.

Happy Birthday Jamie

Jamie and I have been friends for a long time. Our friendship is based entirely upon our shared love for mint chocolate chip ice cream cake from Dairy Queen. You might think that is a slim foundation to build a relationship on but it has sustained us for 13 years.

I met Jamie on my first day at Trinidad-Benham. I was a smart ass college nerd and Jamie was a tiny blond fresh out of high school. I'm pretty sure we didn't have a lot in common and both of us seemed out of place in that grubby little factory. We were thrown together that night due to a screw up on the production line. For several hours, one of the machines had packaged two pounds of dried rice into a bag that should have held 3 pounds. When the mistake was discovered, Jamie and I were sent to the back of the packing room where we perched on the edge of a giant metal hopper to salvage the rice. For eight hours we slammed rice bags against the side of that hopper which fed the rice back onto the production floor to be repackaged. I cannot remember anything we talked about that night but I know we laughed...a lot.

We worked together for several more years and between us, I think we worked every job they had. It was hot in the summer and cold in the winter. On one side of the plant there was an ever present layer of dust. It hung in the air and basically covered everything. On the other side, we packaged cooking oil so you can imagine the mess that involved. Regardless of all the discomfort, we always managed to have a good time.

Jamie and I spent a lot of nights fixing mistakes there.We spent a lot of nights making mistakes there too. I often joked that we were "Lucy and Ethel" because we could turn a seemingly simple task into screwball comedy of epic proportions. Jamie once helped me push a giant trash can across the factory to the dumpster. A completely routine trash run completed at least four times a night without consequence by others. But by the time Jamie and I got halfway there we had managed to overturn the can spilling at least 500 oily, plastic bottles over the floor of the warehouse.

I left that job a few years before Jamie and luckily we've been able to maintain our friendship without seeing each other daily. We've been through some times in the last few years that weren't so fun and against our best intentions, we've grown up a lot. But even after all these years, we still laugh more than we cry.

So I hope you have a great day today, Jamie. And I really wish we were sharing an ice cream cake to celebrate :)

Pavarotti - Nessun Dorma

Just listen. Close your eyes. If you aren't moved to tears or at least to goosebumps, you are a soulless automaton and I never liked you anyway :)

Forgiveness

Since Ryan has remarried and had the new baby, he and his wife have been on a moderately successful PR blitz to give their relationship some legitimacy. Their idea being that the past is the past and let's just forget about all that stuff and move on. To that end, Ryan inquired as to whether I might ever develop a friendly relationship with his wife. You see she is no longer the calculating hussy who set about to destroy my family...she is his wife and the mother of his child. Surely we have loads in common now. Think of all the fun we could have. We could sit around reminiscing about the good old days... "Remember when I was in labor and you came to the hospital and everybody but me knew that you were messing around with my husband?" "What about all the times you would call the house and hang up when I answered?" Then we could braid each other's hair and make brownies or something.

I didn't argue. I just calmly informed him that that was Not.Gonna.Happen. He didn't press the issue but I knew it was bound to surface again. When he came to pick the girls up this weekend he casually asked me if I had a bible concordance he could look at. I gave it to him. He sat down with it at the kitchen table and flipped pages for about 90 seconds. He looked up and said "Do you know where that verse comes from that talks about loving your enemy?" I walked to the table found the verse he was requesting and pointed to the entry. "Do you have a bible around here?" he asked? I could have pointed out that he knew perfectly well that there were at least six bibles on the three bookshelves surrounding him on each wall, but I could already tell that he was putting on a little show and I admit, I was curious as to how it would play out. I handed him the bible. He read the verse out loud...twice, interrupted only by his loud "Hmmms" and deep sighing. I ignored him and continued folding the laundry until he got tired of waiting for me and packed the kids up to leave.

Of course, I know Ryan well enough to ascertain that I was supposed to ask him why he was interested in that particular verse. This would be his opening to show me how hypocritical my feelings were toward his wife. People like this love nothing more than "catching" some professed Christian acting in a way that contradicts the bible and , honestly, any other time I would have taken the bait and verbally shredded his ass for even considering a debate with me on a biblical topic. I didn't argue with him this time because...he's right.

I have no snappy comeback. I am a professed Christian. I am a Baptist Sunday School teacher. I have read the bible backwards and forwards. I know what it says. But I still cannot feel anything but contempt for this woman. I know I am supposed to forgive her but I don't know how. And I am completely ashamed that I have given her so much control over my emotions. The crazy part is that I have completely forgiven Ryan. The strongest emotion that man elicits in me now is "bemusement". So doesn't it stand to reason that if I could forgive the man who was supposed to love us that I could forgive this stranger who never swore any allegiance to my family in the first place?

I try desperately to live my life with a little dignity and class. It's important to me to try to rise above my baser instincts. But in four years I have not even made eye contact with her because I am convinced that if she speaks directly to me, all the rage I have swallowed for so long will culminate in my beating the holy hell out of her in a scene which would make the worst episode of "Jerry Springer" look like "Masterpiece Theater". Surely I am better than that.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger...

Women In Art

In the beginning...

The first blog I ever read was Eschaton. It was around 2002 and between Ryan's very conservative family and our circle of friends at church, I couldn't find very many people who agreed with my political ideology. While I have always had a fairly argumentative nature, the post Clinton world had taught me to keep my mouth shut. At that point, I was still a stay-at-home mom so I was isolated in a lot of ways until I discovered that the internet could be used for more than shopping. I stumbled into the blogosphere and happily took up residence. I didn't and don't always agree with their views and I like being detached enough to never contemplate political blogging myself. I abandon them on weekends, holidays and vacations but Monday morning generally finds me perusing my small cadre of blogs before I "really" start working.

This is my favorite blog post...ever. It never fails to make me laugh.

6 to 8 black men

Disregard the video and just listen...worth the six minutes...I promise.

Book Review

I recently finished The Piano Tuner a novel by Daniel Mason. The idea of the book is much more intriguing than the actual work. The basic story is that Edgar Drake, the piano tuner, is commissioned in 1886 by the British military to travel to Burma to tune the piano of an eccentric doctor/captain/diplomat stationed there. The book is very descriptive and the subtlety of the writing is quite beautiful. My only real complaint is that the book doesn't seem fully realized. At the point that Mason ends the novel, I was just beginning to get interested. I was frustrated by the ending which seemed, to me, to be the easy way out for the author. Not unlike the hastily written last paragraph of my senior term paper. Obviously, I understand. I just expect published authors to do better. I will admit that the book has made me contemplate one question at length...Can an extraordinary experience that occurs in your super-ordinary life change you to the degree that you are unrecognizable to yourself or others?

(On a completely immature note...when I was searching Amazon.com for the picture above, I just typed "piano tuner" into the search bar. This was the second listing in the results. I had no idea such a genre even existed. I am so naive. If I had known, Christmas shopping would have been much easier last year.)

Killing time...

In an ongoing effort to accomplish nothing at work...ever, I stumbled across this website today. This diagram brought me so much joy...


So if you get a chance and you also intend to waste an entire afternoon, go here and just savor the deliciousness.

Reason

Stephen Breyer is on his way to becoming my favorite Supreme Court Justice.

"I began to see that the true division of importance in the world is not between different countries. The important division is between those who are committed to reason, to working out things, to understanding other people, to peaceful resolution of their differences ... and those who don't think that."

Ummm.Hell yeah!

Plenty

So this post has got me thinking about money...or the lack of it. I feel incredibly blessed because I usually have a dollar or two left at the end of the pay period. But savings are nonexistent and that bothers me. There is nothing for a rainy day and, really, what are the chances it's not going to rain? I feel that I suffer from lowered expectations in that my financial situation today, while still pitiful, is so much better than it was a few years ago.

When Ryan left he also quit his job so,for a while, there was absolutely no money coming in to my household at all. Lots of people encouraged me to sell the house and move in with my mom and dad. I just couldn't do it. I felt like a bomb had gone off in my life and, for whatever reason, I clung to that house like it was a life raft. I was desperately and unsuccessfully trying to find a job so many of my family members tried to give me financial help. All that "help" went to cover the mortgage which still left me with that pesky problem of feeding my children which ultimately led to the most humiliating experience of my entire life. I applied for Food Stamps. Now as an admitted bleeding-heart liberal, I have always thought that financial assistance from the government was a necessary and effective program...for other people. And so I sat in a plastic chair in that shabby government office filled with the most hopeless people a society can produce and I shamefully counted myself among them.
The food stamps lasted for six months and ended at almost the exact time that I got hired full-time at my current job. I never received any other assistance and I had my Scarlett O'Hara moment wherein I proclaimed that "As God as my witness..." I would never allow my family to be in that situation again.

That degrading memory haunts me but it also serves as a necessary touchstone. I'm not able to give my kids every material thing they desire. They attend school with kids who live in homes that make ours look like the servant's quarters. But the bills are paid, usually on time. The cupboard is full of food. The mortgage is current. Everybody got new backpacks, lunch boxes and school clothes. And when it starts raining, we'll just have to borrow a friggin umbrella :)

Vacation

I'm not sure you can characterize something as a "getaway" if you have to take two cars, 15 bags of groceries, 5 little girls and two teenage boys. Nevertheless, we did just that. With much fanfare, I loaded all five girls into the mini van and began, what would become, a vain pursuit of Kevin, who was supposed to be just ahead of me in the car with Dylan and Dylan's friend Connor. Our destination...Gatlinburg.

(I should also note that Emily was not able to go with us because she was in Florida visiting a friend for a few weeks. I really missed her because, not only is she a big help and pretty good company for me, the kids will actually do what she tells them. Even my own kids. Seriously.)

After confirming the directions, I quickly abandoned my attempt to keep up on the interstate. Kevin assured me he never got above 80mph and I assured him that he was lying. Anyway, we settled on the fact that perhaps my speedometer was broken. The drive went great and, miraculously, we made it all the way to Pigeon Forge without a bathroom stop.


We arrived at the cabin and had one of the best moments of the whole vacation watching the kids reaction to the place. I realized it's probably not a good idea to stay somewhere on vacation that is nicer than the home that you live in for the rest of the year. I came to this realization watching my kids run from one room to another screaming "It has a hot tub!"... "jacuzzi!"..."pool table!" "stairs!" They acted like those disadvantaged kids that get sent on vacation by charitable organizations. ...and I guess, in a sense, they were :)

The place was just fantastic. The fact that we had to drive up the side of a friggin mountain to get to it really didn't diminish our love for the location and amenities.

The girls could not get enough of the hot tub. Do not be fooled. The same kids that will do anything to get out of taking a bath will drive you insane asking to get into a hot tub.

Monday, Kevin spent about 672 dollars for us all to play putt-putt. We all had a great time. And, really, it was money well spent because A) Kevin and I both won a free game that we will never get to redeem but damn it, we won something and B) I got a great picture that Kevin won't let me blog but will make it onto a coffee mug at some time in the future.

Tuesday, we visited Dollywood which was the only disappointment of the whole trip. It rained...a lot. When the weather was cooperating, Kevin and the boys rode the big roller coasters and I ventured to the other side of the park in search of something a little tamer for the girls to do. The only downside to this plan is that there were three girls too short to ride unaccompanied and just one of me. I had been hyping an amusement park trip to my girls for over 6 months so I was a little bummed when we sloshed out that afternoon having spent 150 bucks to ride 5 rides.

The kids got over their disappointment in a hurry when we spent that evening at the Dixie Stampede. Admittedly, it's an overpriced, cheesey production. But how many times can you actually say that you watched pig races, mini buffaloes, and dance numbers featuring costumes too tacky for Dolly Parton herself while simultaneously tearing apart a rotisserie chicken with your bare hands? The kids are still talking about it.

Last year, the girls and I went on vacation with my parents. And while I was never alone, I was awfully lonely. It's no fun being the single parent in a world that seems completely populated by happy, intact families. So this vacation was a lot more work, more kids, more money and more drama. But at the end of every day there was this...


And I can honestly say that, for my little portion of the family, it was one of our best times ever because when mama is happy...well, you know...