Help Wanted

I need a best friend.


I am lucky to have a few great friends.  But all of my friends have a best friend and it ain’t me.  I am the perpetual first runner up of friendships.  If, for any reason, those best friends cannot fulfill their duties, I totally get to step in.  But, honestly, most of the best friends of my good friends are pretty awesome so the chance of taking any of their places is pretty slim. 

The thing is, once high school is over, it’s pretty hard to find a best friend.  I got really excited when I found out that Kevin’s new endocrinologist was a woman.  A doc.  New in town,  She was probably desperate for a best friend, right?  I told him to just casually mention that his wife was interviewing best friend candidates and he refused.  You know why?  Because he’s mean.  That’s why.

So clearly I am going to have to go this alone.  So here are a few of the requirements:

1.       I need to like your husband.  I don’t need to LOVE him but he needs to NOT be a butthole.  Here’s why.  I am a horrible liar so, if we are best friends and your husband is a butthole, eventually I am gonna mention that…loudly.  Assuming you don’t think he is a butthole (and seriously, why did you marry him?) that is probably gonna come between us.

2.     You can’t be bugging me all the time.  I gotta lot of laundry to do.

3.     You call me.  I won’t call you.  Lemme explain.  I suffer from severely diminished self esteem.  I won’t call you because I assume that you are too busy to talk to me.  I think everyone is too busy to talk to me.  Don’t take it personally.  My husband and I dated for two years and I only initiated phone calls to him three times.  But (and this is important) I will alwas answer when you call me.  Unless I am busy in which case I will call you back later.

4.       I ain’t babysitting.  This rule can be bent in case of illness or funeral attendance.  But don’t push it. On the other hand, I will force my daughters to babysit for you at any time.

5.      I can’t be going out of town or to girl’s night outs.  They sound fun. And one day, maybe.  But right now, it ain't happenin.  


Here's what you get in return.


1.  I will hate all the people you hate.  No questions asked.  Your foresworn enemy will be mine. And I will help you plot revenge against them assuming it is carried out in a nice, Christian way.


2.  I will be there for you in your time of need and I will bring a mop.  Nothing soothes in a crisis like a shiny clean toilet bowl or a sparkling, shiny sink.   


3.  My husband could probably fix your computer for you.  He doesn't have time to do it but he COULD.


4. I will help you decorate for Christmas every year.  (Unless you want to put stuff up high.  I suck at ladders.)


5.  I will give you all my old magazines in a timely manner.  


If two worthy applicants prsent themselves, I will settle this as all things should be settled.

DANCE OFF!!!