I think it's hope.
And yet...
I want to eat. I’m
not hungry. I just want to put food into
my mouth. Do drug addicts and alcoholics
do this? Do they visualize what it would
be like to just give in? I know there
are chocolate covered graham crackers in the cabinet. (Blast those dang elves
and their irresisitable cookies!) I know
what they taste like. I know how the
smooth chocolate feels when it gives way to the crunchy cookie. I also know that I couldn’t eat ONE cookie
without a struggle.
I can’t focus on any
good thing in my life because I want a cookie and I can’t have one. I hope that is the most immature, selfish
thing I ever have to admit. But it’s the
truth. I want to eat a cookie. And I am throwing a tantrum over it that
would rival any three year old. Sure,
I’m not lying on the kitchen floor kicking and screaming (although I would like
to.) But I am walking around my house in a sulk. Ignoring my sweet husband. Grumbling at the washer and dryer and feeling
very passive-aggressive toward the dog. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just want what God wants for
me? Freedom, victory, peace. And every now and again ONE cookie. It sounds simple enough and yet I have
struggled with it for 25 years.
The problem for gluttons is that resolutions made while you
are (over) full have to be walked out when you are hungry.
Tomorrow is the most dangerous drug for a glutton. You can’t accuse us of being pessimists. We always think tomorrow will be better. In fact, we’re sure of it. But today…today is killing us. And tomorrow always somehow becomes just
another today.
Some days the only victory you can claim is that you DID NOT
eat the cookie. And some days
that’s more than enough.
2 comments:
I have grown to look forward to your Glutton posts. Don't get me wrong, I love the David study and I love your Funday's but when I see Glutton in the subject line - It's like the next chapter of a good book just showed up.
Thank you for living this out loud and sharing it with us.
Also to your first question - yes addicts do this. Some for the rest of their lives. In fact, I have learned that addicts even dream about using. They cant even escape it in their sleep.
And I feel the need to sit on that "tomorrow" thing. So true.
Keep it up girl!
I'm with Jen on this. As intimate and tender as our relationship is, I always experience new revelations about you, about us, about the humans, when I read you glutton posts.
I think it WOULD make a good book! You should do it.
-Hubs
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