Glutton - Part 7

If I'm completely honest, I would have to admit that I am just as addicted to diets as I am to sugar. 

I love diets.

Being a glutton often means being hopeless.  I love that diets represent possibility.  And, sure, my rational brain understands that diets (of any kind) have a very small success rate.  My life proves this to me daily.  But the idea that something could work?  Well that is pretty irresistible to a glutton.

So I am trying hard to break my diet addiction.  Which means that I don't need to buy the women's magazines that feature a new diet each week.  I still buy them.  But I have realized that I don't need to.  Progress!!!

Basically if you aren't addicted to diets, then you probably have no idea that 85% of diet advice is just the same 'tips' recycled over and over again.  You will find these in your local paper, major magazines, and television spots (most often around the 1st of the year.) 

Here is the diet advice I never ever want to hear again.  Ever.  I mean it.

      1.  Drink Plenty of water.

I wish someone would introduce me to the person who does not know this. I assume they live next door to Bigfoot and ride a unicorn to work everyday. We know water is good for us. We know we should drink more. Guess why we don’t do it? Because water tastes like water!!! If scientists cared about our water consumption they would figure out a way to make it taste like Coca Cola. And please stop telling me how our bodies were designed to drink only pure delicious water. I seriously need you to give me a break. Two hundred years ago, it would not be uncommon for you to drink water that your horse was standing in and your neighbor was washing clothes in. Our bodies are amazing machines. Modern day chemicals are probably killing us but iced tea never hurt anybody.
   

2.      Use a smaller plate to limit portion sizes.

 

Ya'll...I feel so stupid.  I have been fat my whole life and the answer was so simple.  Just use a smaller plate!  Has anyone, fat or thin, ever used this technique successfully?  I guess if you were eating at a “One Plate” buffet, this might limit the calories you consume but as those type of establishments don’t exist, I think we’re in trouble with this tip.  It just assumes that we won’t get up and fill the plate again doesn’t it?  I know fat people are supposed to be lazy but how far is it to the kitchen?

        3.  Park farther away.  Use the stairs.

Not one person in the history of EVER has lost weight doing this.  Let me stun you with a little thing I like to call arithmetic.  If you walk up a flight of steps for ONE HOUR, you will burn 500 calories.  This number is kinda misleading because, let’s face it, you ain’t gonna walk up steps for 60 minutes.  If you are anything like me , you might climb steps for 20 minutes and spend the next 40 at the ER.  But I digress.  So walking up a flight of steps burns about 29 calories.  Walking from a far parking spot will probably be around the same.  Is that small amount of exercise good for your overall health?  Sure.  Everyone could benefit from a less sedentary lifestyle. But if you think taking the stairs is all the exercise you will ever need to lose weight, you are gonna end up still fat and real annoyed.

      4.   Drink a big glass of water before each meal.

See my response to #1.  Also, this tip just assumes that I overeat because I am hungry.  This seems to be an assumption by many.  Here's the truth people.  No one ever eats a Little Debbie snack cake because they are hungry and they believe that the cake will alleviate that hunger.  We eat snack cakes because they are friggin delicious.  If you really want to help the obese, how 'bout you start producing snack cakes that taste like beets? 

     5. Keep celery sticks in your fridge to snack on.

Seriously? 

Just assume that this might work...for one day.  I bet all of us could make it 24 hours just nibbling on celery sticks as a snack.  But how many of us could maintain this for more than a day without losing our will to live?  The main problem with this tip is that  a whole cup full of celery is 19 calories.  Not sure if you are aware of this but calories are actually a real thing...not just numbers that tell you if food is 'bad' or 'good'.  19 calories won't provide you with enough energy to shut the fridge door.  Which means you will keep eating celery...over and over again until , in a fit of hunger induced rage, you will stomp into the kitchen and consume an entire box of Club crackers.  So really, celery kind of makes you gain weight.  I'd stay away from it.

I don't think any of these tips are bad ideas.  But please oh please don't try to convince me that this is the answer to the obesity crisis.   And FYI, I don't have the answer.  Just in case you were hoping I would share it.  If you, by any chance, do have the answer, I would be willing to write you a check for one gazillion dollars in exchange for it.