Still

I miss her every day.

My best friend Debbie.

Don't worry. She's not dead or anything. She is living happily from all reports. I've done just enough quasi-stalking to know that she is helping lead one of the best high school marching bands in the state (maybe even the whole country). I know that was a lifelong dream for her. Maybe she has new dreams now.

We fell into friendship late in high school. I'm not sure how it happened. She was everything I wasn't. I loved being her sidekick. We were inseperable for the next four years. We probably drove thousands of miles in her old car. We always had some Broadway soundtrack blaring (did I mention we were nerds?) I admit that I lived vicariously through her. She was never scared to do or try anything. I was always shy(around strangers) and timid. I wanted to be Debbie when I grew up. I still do.

I haven't spoken to her in sixteen years. Sixteen years. Our junior year in college changed us both. Debbie made lots of new friends. I didn't. I made some incredibly stupid decisions which would nearly ruin my life for a few years. Debbie made good decisions which laid the foundation for her future success. We never had a fight. There were some misunderstandings and some hurt feelings on both sides but nothing that should have ended a friendship. I wrote her a letter when my oldest daughter was born. She never responded so I took that as a sign to leave it alone. I prayed she might be at our ten year reunion. She wasn't.

The truth is I just don't have that many friends. I know it seems impossible that someone as delightful as me has a hard time making friends but it's true. I have a few good friends and I count myself lucky to have them in my life. And don't feel too sorry for me, I got to marry the best friend I will ever have. But even an awesome husband can't fill the vacancy left by a best girlfriend.

After all these years, if you asked me who my best friend is, the answer would still be "Debbie".

I miss her every day.