The Flight-Part One

This trip was my third flight ever. I have to admit that with all the recent plane drama, I was a little more nervous about this flight than the previous ones. Kevin got us an upgrade to first class so I was excited to see what all the fuss was about. My only knowledge of first class had been gleaned from a Seinfeld episode. It's surprising how accurate that depiction actually is.


So the main benefit to first class is the insane amount of leg room afforded to each seat. Other than that, the first leg of the flight left me kind of unimpressed. All that changed as we headed out of Dallas on the second part of our journey.


I could hear the flight attendant behind me detailing the snacks and beverages available to the passengers in coach. This was followed by a list of the ridiculous prices they charged for these 'snacks'. No such announcement was made in first class. Almost instantly, after takeoff, a ramekin of mixed nuts was placed before me. Now I realize that the airplane snack is the ultimate cliche. But these were cashews, almonds, pistachios and pecans. Not a peanut in the mix. And...

wait for it...

they were warm.

Yes, you heard correctly, first class passengers get HOT NUTS! People, I have been to the mountaintop and and the nuts are toasted there.

Hardly had I time to recover from the nutty goodness when my magical flight attendant appeared again and uttered these words. "Would you care for some wine, ma'am?" Let me just explain something here. I cannot think of a situation in which my reply to that sentence would be anything but a resounding "You betcha".

After the wine was served, something strange occurred. The flight attendant handed me a tiny white towel...with tongs. I quickly realized that the tongs were used because the moist towelette was approximately the same temperature as molten lava. What the hell was I supposed to do with this thing? I glanced around to see what other passengers were doing. Kevin wiped his entire head, face and laptop screen (true story), the lady acros from me cleaned her glasses with it. I just used it to wipe my hands. It seemed like the safe way to go.

At this point, I'm halfway through my glass of wine and I'm feeling a little woozy. I should explain that I have very little tolerance for alcohol. I'm not sure why this is true. I probably have wine or something similar a few times a month. I know that's not a lot but I think it should certainly preclude me from getting drunk off a half glass of wine. They began to serve our meal which included a salad, a lovely calzone, and a beautiful wedge of Brie. I am going to do a whole post later on just how much I love brie. They also served those horrible table water crackers which I am convinced are made with Ann Coulter's spit, but I digress. Also just for comparison, coach passengers were offered (I swear to you) a Lunchable for the low price of 5 bucks.

Since I had not eaten all day, I thought that this meal would stave off the effects of the wine. With that in mind, I finished my original glass and happily accepted a refill. Oh sure, it seems obvious to you that this was a mistake but it seemed like a good idea at the time.